How do I catch you up?

I plunged myself in work and school.  A friend passed away a couple months ago.   I gave up my social interactions to the outside world to only a literal handful of people.

Now I am in my final Term of Culinary school.   Accepted a 6 month Culinary program to Disney in FL to fill in the gaps before my escape of the East Coast.  I have never been more ready to create a final resting place for my life one the west coast.   My goals are coming to a close.

As for my personal life.  Dating scene:    I was loosely seeing a Nurse for a few months and boy I tell you.    He was a trip.   A child.   Selfish and just not worth my time.  Tip number one: Don’t date anyone that clearly doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t understand grieving.

I met another guy with good chemistry,  Bio Chemist to be exact.   We met at a bar,  had a great time.  We hung out a few times here and there and however our life tracts and things, it was just not compatible.   We talk here and there about sports, life little shits it throws at us.. But nothing ever more came of it.   Bio guy was cool and I am glad that out of it all and the crazy life that is mine right now it’s just friendship I gained out that.   He is just apart of the guys that I could just chill with watch sports have a few beers.. However a simple contradictory flaw I found with him.   He is on the hunt for a girl of religion that is grounded.   However he wont give up his Sunday sports or you know a little weed here and there.   Hmm..   Well good luck find your religious lady that does the entire church thing, that is drug free and allows Sunday sports as an excuse for no church.     Tip number two:  Don’t date a guy that is kinda confusing.

I tried the Tinder thing.. again….

I met Country Boy.   NC super country.    Perhaps too much for me to handle.    He was sweet.   Too sweet.  Had a couple of dates and at one point I just couldn’t.   His humor was not on par to mine.. Really not much to say.  I knew he liked me, but I wasn’t feeling it and when I dove deeper in my work, I hate to say it but I never thought of what country guy was doing.    Tip number three:  Don’t date a guy that you never think about.

There was spastic meets and greets.   Completely over it.

Then there is Now.

There is Amazing Dad.   Now, before you even go thinking that this is some old guy.   He is actually only a few years older.   Which generally is something I like.  He works in the industry managing multiple restaurants,  so he understand the extreme hard work I am putting myself through and respects me for my little time I have available.   He has a son.   That is a toddler.   Handsome little bug and sharp as a whip.  The amount of  similarities are crazy and our ideals are match point.   I also really like our differences.  He is so tall, that I my head rests right below his sternum and its the perfect hug height for me to feel small and safe.   He listens to Country music which for me is bleh.. but never puts down the things I enjoy.   He never lets me buy anything for our dinner nights unless its wine and he might have a glass, but he prefers beer.   He doesn’t eat sweet things and loves spicy.    If your wondering about baby Momma.. well she is around and that’s where things are sticky.  There is always drama when the mother is not in the picture completely and is a very selfish person.   Prime example would be refusing to take her child on a designated time because of this “new friend”.   Her response was that she didn’t want Amazing Dad to have “romantic time” with me so being the mother of the year chose to not spend time with her son.  So drama.   I enjoy the company of little bug.  He would never bother me and my time with Amazing Dad.   Because out of it all, he is doing his best as a full time single parent and these guys together ultimately makes my heart melt.

The Now and how bonkers and the stress I put in..  I am happy that I felt a big part of myself pull back together after being with these two boys the past 6 weeks.    I am holding onto the time I have with these two till I leave for 6 months.  I know it will be painful but the wonderful time I get to have now is worth it.

Are you caught up?

 

 

 

 

 

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We are just not compatible.

Being back in the dating circuit I have had 2 failed attempts.

The blue eyed nurse for starters.   The world does not revolve around him and neither do I.   There was too much child like tendencies that over all did not mesh well.  Even through the loss of a friend and saying that I would not be available because of it,  he still claims to be left in the dark.  How?   Done.

Another fail.   Matching wits with a gorgeous half Japanese guy,  we could talk till the bars shut down and only just skimming the surface of politics that I never talk about with people, our life goals in the next 5 years that consist of marriage, a mortgage, kids, sports, beer, the weather, music, animals..  Physically; he is amazing.. Dark skinned, very fit and knows how to take care of himself.   But its my chosen profession that is the problem and that yes I plan to move away in exactly a year.   He words are that he just doesn’t see it being compatible enough.     The demanding job strikes again ruining a potential interest.   That was disappointing.

I am not heartbroken about either one of these guys.   But sometimes I still want to find a reason to stay and it just lingers in the back of my head.

to be in love, but life is cruel.

I watched and cried for a friend.  Her love whom she was marrying this month died next her yesterday morning.    I watched her relationship bloom early this year as mine disappeared and just like that he was gone from this world.  He died in his sleep next to her.  Her heart aches.   I and ache watching her suffer with so many unanswered questions.

This world is cruel.    My breakups are trivial.   Nothing matters when the real love is gone from this earth and seeing that love in a person and ripped away by death.  I can only sit there, love her in my way and hold her and catch her tears.  I want to absorb all her pain so she can only have that beautiful memories of him.   I know baby,  You just want to have a phone call of his voice saying that he is ok, he is only going to be sick for awhile.   I know.    I know that he is gone and I am not him.   We as a family will love him in our memories and will cherish the thought of every part of his existent.    He chose you, Helen.     He chose to love you and even when taken from this earth he will love you after.   You maybe physically alone, but his heart is still with yours.   Please breathe.

charged day

I woke up with chest pains.    My left hand went numb.   I didn’t move from bed till 11:30am.    I just laid there waiting for whatever it was to pass.  I couldn’t tell someone I was hurting.   I have been fighting the urge to cry.

Today I started packing up my apartment to move.   Everything I touched I remember how I wanted to make a home out of this place.  Now its becoming an empty shell.

Over the past couple of months I am that empty shell.

My dreams have now altered to fit my loneliness.  I have been pushed into a fight to get my life out of this state.  I don’t belong here.   I am 30 years old and I don’t belong here.

Today I blocked another person from my life, because they lied to me and was caught.

Releasing the toxicity is draining me, but I have to know that when this poison is gone I can recharge myself.

Drunk phone call

I am very certain my friend was drunk on something.   Or maybe he was high?

Let me give you the run down.   In 2007 I moved to a small mountain town.    It was new years and I was 20 years old.  I met Dave.   He was painfully shy around me.   I was in 2 relationships the entire time we have know each other up to this day.

Dave served in the Army.   I have the most respect for soldiers and veterans.   Being a military bratt and both parents that are veterans  I am very proud to know the people I do and when they are down I am I try to let them know that I am here and you are loved and missed.   Dave has had a very rocky adventure sense his last tour.   He is struggled to find stability is this crazy world.  He would message me every once in awhile and we would catch up.   He always complained about a girl he was seeing.

Tonight was different.   Its been 10 years of knowing him and maybe 5 years of hearing his voice first the first time tonight.

He made a confession to me tonight.    5 Hours apart, he confesses that he has feelings for me.   Sense the day he met me and how utterly scared he was to even talk to me.   I question this entire conversation because his words were slurred.  He sounded tired and sad.   He sounded desperate for affection.   10 years and I couldn’t return it.

I really hope he wasn’t sober.   Should I call him tomorrow to check up on him?

I just can’t trust.   I can’t let anyone in yet to see me.  I can’t let this man feel my hurt.

 

 

Rice for dinner.

I do these amazing things in class,  I bake for 3 hours and bring home amazing bread and desserts.   But I eat rice.   Cheesy rice.   Plain rice.  Butter garlic rice.  Vinegar rice.

It’s lonely for a single cook.   I dedicate my life to feeding people but I can’t feed myself.   I would give anything to anyone; I would cook for anyone anything they wanted.. but I cannot bring myself to cook for myself.