I woke up with chest pains. My left hand went numb. I didn’t move from bed till 11:30am. I just laid there waiting for whatever it was to pass. I couldn’t tell someone I was hurting. I have been fighting the urge to cry.
Today I started packing up my apartment to move. Everything I touched I remember how I wanted to make a home out of this place. Now its becoming an empty shell.
Over the past couple of months I am that empty shell.
My dreams have now altered to fit my loneliness. I have been pushed into a fight to get my life out of this state. I don’t belong here. I am 30 years old and I don’t belong here.
Today I blocked another person from my life, because they lied to me and was caught.
Releasing the toxicity is draining me, but I have to know that when this poison is gone I can recharge myself.
I am very certain my friend was drunk on something. Or maybe he was high?
Let me give you the run down. In 2007 I moved to a small mountain town. It was new years and I was 20 years old. I met Dave. He was painfully shy around me. I was in 2 relationships the entire time we have know each other up to this day.
Dave served in the Army. I have the most respect for soldiers and veterans. Being a military bratt and both parents that are veterans I am very proud to know the people I do and when they are down I am I try to let them know that I am here and you are loved and missed. Dave has had a very rocky adventure sense his last tour. He is struggled to find stability is this crazy world. He would message me every once in awhile and we would catch up. He always complained about a girl he was seeing.
Tonight was different. Its been 10 years of knowing him and maybe 5 years of hearing his voice first the first time tonight.
He made a confession to me tonight. 5 Hours apart, he confesses that he has feelings for me. Sense the day he met me and how utterly scared he was to even talk to me. I question this entire conversation because his words were slurred. He sounded tired and sad. He sounded desperate for affection. 10 years and I couldn’t return it.
I really hope he wasn’t sober. Should I call him tomorrow to check up on him?
I just can’t trust. I can’t let anyone in yet to see me. I can’t let this man feel my hurt.
I do these amazing things in class, I bake for 3 hours and bring home amazing bread and desserts. But I eat rice. Cheesy rice. Plain rice. Butter garlic rice. Vinegar rice.
It’s lonely for a single cook. I dedicate my life to feeding people but I can’t feed myself. I would give anything to anyone; I would cook for anyone anything they wanted.. but I cannot bring myself to cook for myself.
I looked at it like 10 times today. I looked at the details, where our hands are, if they are squeezing with passion. The position of our heads. I could only reach the top of your chest. Your head though cocked away, your chin still touches my forehead. I am in mid laugh and honestly I am though an ugly crier I just look horrific in the middle of laughing. I am trying to figure out of your expression.
I can’t tell. I can’t translated it. It could just be a terrible picture of both of us.
But it was our first.
I am learning to love myself even more with the new age. I have told myself that I need to be 100% honest. But everyday I ask myself when is it ok?
When is ok to love someone? Or even if I do ever again, when will it be ok to trust they will give the amount received back? When I love, I love with everything I have and I will only give my very soul.
I feel amazing.
I don’t know what snapped in me, but I have been playing music (only for Eleanor), I wore my beautiful Sliver dress and felt seen and noticed. I feel good to be in my skin for once and when I wasn’t even thinking of anything or anyone, a mystery fell into my lap. This mystery has deep blue eyes and has been stealing my attention for the a number of weekends.
I am in the best shape I have been in the longest time and gained back about 4 lbs. I am enjoying my classes again and I love my job and the funky people I work with.
What is this high? I am still struggling with money and the apartment hunt has continued to be a changeling but I can finally say that I feel content that I will figure this out.
I haven’t written everyday like I should. I’d hate to only keep this as a negative outlet. So as the beginning of 30’s and ending the 20’s. I will continue to be a hopeless romantic. I will dream of one day feeling deep love in my heart and soul and not be guarded because people hurt me. The next person to jump into my life could be what I am asking for or not.. but I should never place judgement that they will only hurt me like all the others.
I will cook with my heart and I will love with my soul.
I officially made it my 30’s.
In 2 hours I take my last exam
In 2 hours I finish my hardest Term
In 2 hours I survived the hardest 10 weeks
In 2 hours I will have set a standard for myself to fight harder and let no one ever distract me again
In 2 hours I change my course in my life
In 2 hours I choose myself over anyone else
In 2 hours I will love myself harder
In 2 hours I will have some hard drinks
In 2 hours I will clean my memories
In 2 hours I will accept that I am doing it alone
In 2 hours I will still be alone after this final victory.
In 2 hours I will crawl into bed and not cry
In 2 hours I will learn to be proud of myself
In 2 hours although I know I hurt and this weight will be lifted I still trying to pull through the hate and disgust I have for myself for working so hard on a dream that I don’t know I can fulfill on my journey to the west.
I am scared I’ll never be truely happy.