Cigars and Music

I’m about to take a shower,  Put a face of make up on and soon go to class.    After class, I go straight to Havanna’s.    Its my hole in the wall and one of the last places will allow you smoke indoors.   I am meeting my friend and his wife,  they have been bugging to see me.    This friend is going to check out my new instrument..

I really need to name this bad boy.   Eugene?  Bernard?   Nothing has hit me yet.

There will be darts thrown, maybe even my first lesson in music.   Either way.  It will be good to get out.   I haven’t been Downtown in a awhile.

Today at work, I managed to eat a little more starch.  A few slices of pineapple and 3 ounce salad.    I am feeling ok.   I work with a bunch of good people.    They are on the Kooky side of things, but good none the less.  My partner at work got me dino socks.   Its nice to have a girl share my passion for dinosaurs.  I managed to laugh a lot today.  A weight has kinda lifted and I can still feel little silver lining, a little joy.   The guys are crude and crass but goof balls.   You never know what they are going to say.  I haven’t been there that long, but they been looking out for me.

I work for a NHL Team.   It’s becoming one of my favorite jobs.   I enjoy my work and I am pretty good at it.   Typically this is a seasonal job depending on well the hockey team does and if they go into the play offs or not.   When the summer starts there are typically less events are scheduled.   It doesn’t help with the HB2 bill cause a lot of negatives and a bunch of performers canceling their tour to NC.   However the Head Chef has specifically requested me to work with him in the summer, so I don’t have to worry about a second job on top of my shackled life.  I overall plan to use my sports reference to get a job working for the Mariners or Seahawks, or Seattle Metropolitans.  Athletes need to eat.

I am lucky in that regard that I may have opened an opportunity with this.  I have upgraded from the anxiety of one minute at a time to survive to looking at it at one hour at at time.  My soul still hurts.   I still miss him.

But its me, myself and I.  (and Miss Eleanor Rigby Kitty)

My new baby.

My new baby is the Uku.   He is a Lohanu.   A soprano ukulele.  He fits snuggly in my arms and I am learning how to tune him.  He does not have a name yet.   But I think all instruments should.   I named my clarinet in the 6th grade Sheila.   She was high strong and squeaky, but we got along till it was time to part with at the end of the 8th grade.

I told a couple of people that I splurged, and they said  that I should write songs and shit.  I need to learn how to play first though.. right?   And plus,  my songs with be next to Adele’s wrist slitting, kill me now; my life is done type of sad.   Not something I need to share musically also when I let loose on here for anyone to read on their free will.   Maybe one day, but I just want to learn some covers of some favorites and some emotionally charged ones that would do just as much justice and self therapy.   I have never used music like an outlet before, and though I do sing to myself I can’t sing in front of people.   I am pretty sure my voice is permanently out of tune.   I am a work in progress.

Moving on.

Let’s be honest. I thought the world was turning just dandy and we were making a progress into our lives together.   We  were complimenting each others strengths that was filled with support and love and friendship and honesty with us and ourselves. I firmly believed we had it all; the creativity, the unlimited laughter and we were not just tied down or leashed or tethered together, which is a stupid way to ever look at a relationships. I want to believe that love will find away again, but the overwhelming blow to my being has knocked me out of the game of thinking of love. While you find yourself, I re-evaluated how I can live with myself and the hole  that is enveloped me.  I lost my best friend and although you may have never seen how I looked to you like that, I also lost my lover.   I am writing every day. Some days are better than others. I cannot look back and say that I hate you. Because I don’t. I will be angry at times, but it will be at myself for being so crazy and trying to convince myself of things I will never know or understand. I will be broken, but healing is time.  Maybe I won’t change.. Maybe I will still miss us and I will miss the thought of a life we could have had in Washington. I will miss the thoughts that yes, this will be a rough year for work and school, but I have the un-shaken support because this is how we would make it out there and the reliance on you won’t be so grand.  I will miss the thought of you sending me ungodly cute things to cheer me up or make me laugh at work that you don’t see I am bragging about you and ridiculously lucky I was.   I will miss your music that you play the most,  I am the biggest fan,  the start of your drawings, the experiments you teach yourself in the kitchen that I will always be proud of. I will miss how you make me laugh till my sides hurt and how you squeeze may hands in the movie theatre. I will miss your knees popping when you do yoga. I will miss every part of you that you allowed me to see. Because no matter where our roads were going, that is who I fell in love with. Thought of us traveling the world and living a simple life that was much more complicated than I ever thought would be. My Ode to you is that I hope you find happiness in a chaotic world. Life is hard. Being yourself is harder.  I may not want think I will find something better,  there is only one of you in this world.    Something could happen to either of us and I will forever feel like I never expressed myself hard enough.   We play this social media games of blocking, untagging, unfollowing, but the memories is not something I will let go.

In December I am moving to Seattle.  The plans are in motion.   I am not stopping.   I will hold my hand out for you and think we could move on.

Songs to learn the Ukulele.

Holding onto you – TOP (twenty-one pilots)

We don’t believe what’s on tv- TOP

House of the rising sun- The Animals

Yesterday- The Beatles

Purple Rain- Prince

Love is a losing game- Amy Winehouse

Space Oddity- David Bowie

There are so many songs that I am looking at.   Its going to take me awhile to able to read music again, but with the help of the interwebs I am going for it.    My friend is an amazing musician that is willing to give me some lessons,  and hopefully this will help my outlet of stress and healing.   I look forward to Friday.

Today I at some food for lunch.   It was just small salad but I am trying so hard to take control of my body again.    Prove to myself I can do it.  I am better than this.

Good morning.

Today I will take you through my daily day.

Lately I am waking up at 8:30am, typically before the alarm goes off.  I get up.  Feed Miss Kitty.   I pick up her bowl set it on the washer and put 3 table spoons of her kibble in it.   I take her food and just around the corner next to her fountain,  I put my right hand out an arms length away.    She immediately nuzzles my hand and waits for me to set down her bowl.   She then sits and waits till I tell her “ok”.    I browse the internet for about an hour.   I consider coffee, but I don’t do it.   I grab my propel water instead.    I don’t eat breakfast,  but instead consider going to the gym.   I still don’t do it.   If mornings keep coming easy like this, then I could do it.

Lately I up get ready for work and leave 30 mins prior for possible traffic on the highway.  I am at work at 10am till 4pm.   I get home about 4:20 depending on traffic.   I feed miss kitty again and get ready for class.   I leave for class about 5pm to get there at 5:20pm.   From there I work till 11pm.   Coming home I am exhausted.   I am greeted sometimes by Miss Kitty.   I take a deep breathe and work out in my head that I am ok.   I take my uniform off, I shower do some homework in bed and around 1:30-2am I am going to sleep.    My text book lives in my bed, I still have my suitcase on my bed and my laptop plays something to make me feel not alone.

Friday I am forcing myself to see people after my 9:30 class ends.  This visit will be me learning how to play an instrument.   I impulsively bought a ukulele.  I miss the live music in my home.  My friend is extremely excited to teach me,  I started making a list of songs I want to learn and though I don’t sing, I will.  Saturday I pull 10 hour shift.  I don’t know if I will be working Sunday, other wise that is 8 days in a row of working.  I don’t like this.  I wish I could go out an experience life.  The sacrifice I make to keep this roof above my head, experience in my field and networking for when I move out of NC.  No matter what happens, I am leaving NC.  I am going to leave out west.

My motivations have changed,  Its not much now, but it could be just enough.

 

Me and my Cat.

Today was tough,   but I made back home to Miss kitty.

Hi,  I am in Culinary school.  I work in the morning/day and take classes at night.

This has been the worst and hardest term of my college career.    I got dumped on St. Patrick’s day,  I wanted to quit school because of it.   Tonight I had to yell at myself to not cry in the car.   Yep, I was that person having a very vocal conversation with myself.. no I was not singing to music,  I was convincing myself that my hormone are going crazy and I need to chill the fuck out.   I have 3 more terms to go.    This is most difficult time to be left.   But it is ok.   Keep telling myself I will be ok.   It is ok.

Yep, I am insane.  Completely.    Class was rough because we were missing literally half of my class.   I got partnered with a dipshit.    A shit dipped in more shit that is fucking lazy.

Ok there is the anger I needed out.   It’s been increasingly difficult to really focus on school.  I want him to be proud of me, but It doesn’t matter.   I did this for myself but also at the time for us.   But there is no us.   And that’s were I am struggling to maintain composure that this all for me now.   The last 3 terms I could come home, do home work sneak into bed to not wake him, then see him for about 30mins before I start all over again.   My schedule was/is horrible, but I could tell him what was going on and how crazy its been and how bad my days have been or how great and what’s new.   But even though I only see him so little and now none at all, I miss him so fucking much more.   My school work is suffering because of it  and I have to tell myself its about you.  Not him anymore.   It increases just how much harder I have stay motivated and fight through this depression.   Easier said than done.

I will eventually stop talking about him.

I have never wanted anything more than to be truly loved, the kind that lasts forever.   Till death do us part.   I honestly thought I had it.   I could be completely delusional to still believe that something is still there, but that would be more torture for myself.   I believe in the stars, the dinosaurs that roamed the earth, that there is life outside this planet even.. but if I believe in our love I am just bonkers.  I don’t want to give it up,  I just have to put it aside.

It’s me and Miss kitty.   I will give her all my love and plus some.   She will be my saving grace.

I love you Eleanor Rigby.