a stranger is the monster

The feeling of having the wind knocked out of you is almost the feeling I have going on the past couple of days.   I forgot how to do a lot of things.  Most importantly I forgot how to set a timer on the coffee pot.  Needless to say I woke up at 5:55am this morning.   Desperately clinging to a pillow and remembering what time I actually closed my eyes on purpose.  It was maybe a mere 4 hours.  Then wide awake.  Who am I?  This is not you.   This is not how you are.   You are suppose to sleep like the dead.   Lately that feeling of death has over came my mind.  I cannot lie about it..  I think about it often,  even before the tragedy.   I bet no one even knew that.   Not for the faint of heart, but suffering in silence is the worst part of who I am.   Discovering myself and being told that I have the biggest heart  but quietly whispering in my head that it has some dark strings attached.  Maybe he truly dodged a bullet not giving me the black pearl.

I am this stranger.   I put her away for 3 years.  Prior to that she ran ram-pit.   My monster within crawled out of me and slapped the hunger out of me..  There was no need for it,  you are too thick right now.  You are alone.  Your friends can say all the nicest things you will ever want to hear,  but know that it means nothing.. this is not love you crave.. this not the world you want.  No one will truly love you.  This monster I believed was right.  I stopped eating, maybe an apple here and there or some scrambled eggs because it was easy to digest.  This monster within me not only affected my health, but the people around me.  I took advantage of bodies that wanted mine.  I was loose for a brief moment and then there was one.   I kept calling and he kept coming back.  And when he came back over and over again,  the monster began to slinking back into the shadows of the corner of my head.  Every once in while to cause the random migraines that puts me in a state of coma sleep.  Conversations kept happening more than the sex,  He listened to me,  Everyone knew about my past being a jail bird..leaving a man I was so delusional about, but this one is different.  Why are you different?  Why are you here?  2 years 10 months later.  My monster has appeared again, but she is out of control.  She wants revenge on me.  Keeping her dorm it for long.. The crazy has arrived, saying really fucked things like I want to die.  I can’t make it out of this and just not letting go like I am suppose to when bad things happen.   She has beaten the hunger out of me again, she grabs my wrist and shows me that this what happens when you let people in.. you get hurt.. the faded scar that is now so fine to the outside world that only I can see it clearly again.  She haunts my ears and says that no one will ever give you love you desire.. as if some sinister Disney villain would say..  And it comes to a point that not matter how hard I try maybe monster is right..  I have cried every night and as soon as I have woken up,  I have written emails only to send out one that now I regret, written pity party posts because I couldn’t bare to suffer alone.  As bad as those posts are they were all true..  I realize, this does not make you stronger and you cant force someone to love you after they only thought it was the right thing to do at the moment.   The flashes of memories only floods and illusion of selfishness.  My monster only tells me to let go and for once its not out of tortured content.  I have done all that I could.  The judgement call is done.  I am the stranger,  I am the monster within.  Readers beware,  Its ok if you look to me differently.   Its ok.   I only have lists of darkness that have skimmed the surface.  He left me to find himself.  He left me because finally admitted he was not happy.  He left me.  He left me.  He left me.  I hope he never sees my monster that he has only heard about.   I hope he never see me and gets frighten of what I am and how I crave his affection.   I hope he never pretends to be anything but.  My monster though shackled me up sets him free.

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