Despite I having pleaded and begged on my knees.. I am an idiot. A complete idiot. And though I have the biggest hopes in the world of him returning back to me and in my fantasy really finding who he is and bla bla bla bla.. He is not coming back.. I am a complete idiot. It’s been 5 days.. no signs, we talked 2 twice and I sobbed like the world was ending.. it was. I sent an email encouraging him and that I accept this and hopes he is well on his journey.. This is now where I swear off men.. right? But the heart wants what the heart wants and unfortunately despite other break ups.. I have never been ghosted. 2 years and 10 months of saying ” I love you” every single day and then St. Paddies day.. “I don’t actually love you”. I am a complete idiot.
His stuff is still here. Clothes, computer, guitar, books, random things and gifts that I no longer accept because I hold so dear to my heart. I packed it up for him… I took down his nicely framed College diplomas. I unplugged his computer and boxed up his books… I took most of everything that is his, hid it under a blanket in the corner of the bedroom and stored it away in the walk in closet. Now whenever he comes to picks it up it wont be a surprise that its gone. The demon in me wants to do horrible things, my head races with thoughts of hope that he can put back all the holes that are on the shelves, on the walls and in my heart, but she says no. She says I am so stupid and blind and packing his stuff is my only saving grace for sanity, but you also don’t need to sleep, you don’t need to eat and if your extra special we won’t let that blade slip again. I shifted my space. Moving forward one tiny step at a time. Among shifting my living space, I am also shifting my mental space with a teacher of mine. She is my sociology teacher. She discovered I have extraordinary amount of sadness anytime I have to talk about my past. I shared my demon with her, the depression, the anorexia, the major cut event that most people don’t know about because I was able to set it aside. But its here and clear and my fear of ever letting it back out again just makes me look psychotic, this is my space I am shifting.