Wine, Bleach and Nightmare

It’s my day off of work, however I still have class.   I woke up at 9:30am, which after the past few days that’s considered sleeping in for me.   I decided I needed to clean more, move more.. Do something more.   I started with the bathroom.   Out curiosity I weighed myself.   I lost 6lbs in the past week.   The demon in my head said I could do better than that…  You were at 149.. 143 that’s not much of difference at all.   Stepping off, I just stare in the mirror, looking down I see that beard shavings are still in the sink, on the counter… just everywhere.   I remove all the caddies, vitamins and makeup that cluttered the bathroom and spray it down with bleach.   I tossed away the old green loofa and his shampoo bottles that was nearly empty anyways.   I removed his cologne from his side of the drawer, but I opened it and smelled it.  All I can think about was him. I put in the closet in a box with the rest of his stuff quickly.   Letting the bleach spray settle, I opened the half bottle of wine, grab the only wine class I have and poured some.   Its still no where near noon.   The demon says it’s cool,  day drinking is cool.   Its like your pre-gaming for the day to come.   Wine taste kinda old.. its turning to vinegar or Cathy brought a less than desirable one.   I don’t remember if I liked it enough when I started drinking it.. But its here.

The bathroom is wiped down.   It smells of bleach and nothing else.  I went ahead and ran the dishwasher and scrubbed the floors of the tiny apartment.   I have gone a full 24 hours without crying.  I have reached the stage of being numb.   I still hope, however my dream last night was another nightmare that I remembered.  It was car accident that have never been more real that I was in, flipping my car, bloody and finding a large piece of something sticking out of my chest..I fear now this could be as real as the break up nightmare that was only a couple days before the real thing.    Just breathe please.. just breathe.   This may pass also.  I will be ok.

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