It’s my day off of work, however I still have class. I woke up at 9:30am, which after the past few days that’s considered sleeping in for me. I decided I needed to clean more, move more.. Do something more. I started with the bathroom. Out curiosity I weighed myself. I lost 6lbs in the past week. The demon in my head said I could do better than that… You were at 149.. 143 that’s not much of difference at all. Stepping off, I just stare in the mirror, looking down I see that beard shavings are still in the sink, on the counter… just everywhere. I remove all the caddies, vitamins and makeup that cluttered the bathroom and spray it down with bleach. I tossed away the old green loofa and his shampoo bottles that was nearly empty anyways. I removed his cologne from his side of the drawer, but I opened it and smelled it. All I can think about was him. I put in the closet in a box with the rest of his stuff quickly. Letting the bleach spray settle, I opened the half bottle of wine, grab the only wine class I have and poured some. Its still no where near noon. The demon says it’s cool, day drinking is cool. Its like your pre-gaming for the day to come. Wine taste kinda old.. its turning to vinegar or Cathy brought a less than desirable one. I don’t remember if I liked it enough when I started drinking it.. But its here.
The bathroom is wiped down. It smells of bleach and nothing else. I went ahead and ran the dishwasher and scrubbed the floors of the tiny apartment. I have gone a full 24 hours without crying. I have reached the stage of being numb. I still hope, however my dream last night was another nightmare that I remembered. It was car accident that have never been more real that I was in, flipping my car, bloody and finding a large piece of something sticking out of my chest..I fear now this could be as real as the break up nightmare that was only a couple days before the real thing. Just breathe please.. just breathe. This may pass also. I will be ok.