48 hours.

I thought I could make it, even with seeing him today.   I hadn’t cried all day yesterday and  most of the day till around 4:45pm.   He texted me asking permission to come over to grab more of his stuff.   That was fine, cause he had mail also.  I tried so hard, to be strong.  I was getting my uniform on for class when he made it over.  I sat on the couch shaking so much because I was nervous.  I asked him how he was.. and he did the same..  My answer was who cares, his response was that; that was not true, so I told him “its the same thing, I miss you.  But I know you don’t want me or need me in your life now.. I have to accept that while your doing you, but your always welcome back anytime.”.   Tears start welling up and I pack my book bag and said “I have to go because I’ll start to cry”, the formation of the tears start bursting as soon as I got in the car and proceeded to class 30 mins early.

I couldn’t make 48 hours of no crying.   I catch my sociology teacher who has been calling me to check up on me sense I missed 2 classes.  We sit in the library and just talk.  She basically said some things that I was surprised at.  “Fuck him, he is dead.. your relationship is dead.  You are grieving now.. When things die you must have a funeral for it.”  Completely shocked by this statement,  the amount of breathing I do is short and shallow.  I honestly didn’t know how to react to this statement.  I told her I really wanted closure.. and She said “he already gave it to you by stepping out the door and never coming back”.  I couldn’t at first accept that answer.. but he ghosted me.  He left one night with no intention of coming back.  That was the closure.   She continued with “whatever happens, he will have to face you at some point;  and understand that IF he wants some form of relationship/friendship he will have to earn it all over again, because the past is gone.. it died, its not more”.  Learning to accept this has been so hard.  With the knowledge of loosing myself with my demon by my side, she yanks on my arm keeping  me aware of what I am rapidly becoming.  I see this, I don’t want it and I must give it all my will power to control it.

As much as I don’t want to look forward to whatever future there is,  I need to focus on my career and school.  I am going to have to work extra hard to cover his part of the rent now, and really figure out what I should do after I graduate.   The only thing to look forward is the 9 month count down to start my life as a professional.  The first thing that popped into my head is maybe I should just join the military.   It could be suicide or it could be freedom.

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