Waking up stronger

I woke up before my alarm,  which meant that I actually got some sleep.   I sat in bed looking at the empty spot next to me when within 5 seconds my cat jumps on and just puuurrrr purrr purr..  Its the “why haven’t you fed me yet mom.. this is weird,  I am used to being fed much earlier than this.. why the hell are you still in bed?”.  So I got up.  I walked around the apartment nearly aimless.  Just double checking on the fact that.. yep, I am alone.  Getting dressed ready for work.. I just kept staring at the blanket that covers all of his stuff.   I started to get a bit resentful.  I grab my phone and texted him saying “all his stuff needs to be out of the apartment at the end of the month.   So a week.    I think that was more than gracious considering he left me in one day, no talking about it.  Just gone.

There were more stipulation towards that of how it should be done and the zero penalties of him leaving the lease and keeping it in my name at the office.   All the of which I mapped out a plan that did not involve him, which is weird to me but nevertheless needed.  I need to stay focused on school and work.   School and work, School and Work.. and miss kitty.

The back of my head my demon is lurking,  she said “don’t you feel bad?   What if he didn’t find a place?  What him he as no where to put it and you know he will never want to come back to this place.. use this to keep him in your life”.

My teacher told me to bury it.   What we had is dead.   She is right.   Remember only the good things when the time is appropriate.   Now is not clearly when you are grieving.. but this cannot consume you.   Do not let your demon take over a life you need to live.

Remembering our conversation about that it encouraged me to make that call this morning.   I woke up stronger.  Doesn’t mean it wont still hurt like hell.   But I have to let him go.

If he wants to re establish something,  that’s a big IF because I don’t know this new person and he never shown himself till St. Patrick’s day.    A new friendship or relationship or anything..  the amount of trust will need to be resolved beyond a reconstruction and repairs.

A second and third string wrapped around my heart that has a hole the size of the moon.

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