Temporary High

I have been only able to see my friends this weekend.   It was great but EVERYTHING reminded me of us.   From going to the wine store, to going over to my friends birthday celebration, the movies and a friend of a friend talking about moving to Japan.   My heart has sank in my chest…  I felt it just drop and dragged behind me the entire night.  Sato is a friend of mine, I think he noticed my down look when the “friend” was talking about moving to Japan.   He asked me about it and I told the crowd that I was planning on going to Japan after I graduate but the cards has fallen and I will no longer be doing that.    Immediately Sato and Bo tried to pick my spirit off the ground.   This temporary high has been nice but its nothing like the regression I am feeling.   My demon is yelling at me for eating today.   This struggle is so real right now, that I almost want to try and purge because I feel sick.   I have lost a grand total of 10lbs in a little over a week.  I didn’t know it was even possible.   My other temporary high feeling was cutting.   I used to cut my ankle and I did my wrist once.  Dealing with this as quietly as possible, I never cut my wrist but the one time because it grew attention.   I hate attention to my flaws.  I just have so many questions.   So many tears left in me.   I am starting to loose my words.   This recovery road is not feeling like recovery from a break up.. it feels like a battle in me for just having no answers.    I was distracted but I must always return home.  Empty heart that only Miss Kitty is filling.   Will he ever see my posts?.. will he think thank god I left?  I never wanted to return to this town,  now I am contracted to stay till Dec.   It feels like forever.



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