I cried the entire night. I let go of myself and my demons took a hold of me. This fall is the hardest. I can taste the ground, the grit, the dust.. the floor is cold. Accepting this change makes me miserable. I don’t even want to be around me. I have crawled into bed after work, wanting to just sleep with pure mental exhaustion. My tears have dried up now, but the inside of me are raging waterfalls of emotions. I avoid the mirrors, I brush my teeth outside the bathroom. I try so hard to eat something today. But I could only take 3 bites of beef tips.
He said I wasn’t there. He was right, I wasn’t. I worked and class every single day. I told him I was doing this for us, not just me. I wanted to be able to contribute. He said he couldn’t ask me not to go to school or work, but never said that he needed some time with me, I was too involved to see this but at the same time he never indicated it to me. I wish I saw it and I wanted to stay home with him every moment I got, even if I was too tired to do things I was home with him, I went home between work and class to see him. even if was for less than an hour. He didn’t know about my depression or even that I still suffer from anorexia. But I never had the need to tell him out right. Because how do you explain a person of healthy weight claiming to have a eating disorder? You cannot out right see it, I am not bones yet. But eating food has always been a struggle, eating too much, eating too little, the constant weighing myself in the bathroom. How do you explain that the depression you have is crippling? You couldn’t see it because I haven’t felt it in so long till this unwanted surprise. These things hide in the back of my head. I know I have these things I fought them alone for a long time. But god damn it, I am here. I am right here!
But its too late. So I cried.