I cried.

I cried the entire night.   I let go of myself and my demons took a hold of me.  This fall is the hardest.  I can taste the ground, the grit, the dust..  the floor is cold.  Accepting this change makes me miserable.  I don’t even want to be around me.   I have crawled into bed after work, wanting to just sleep with pure mental exhaustion.  My tears have dried up now, but the inside of me are raging waterfalls of emotions.  I avoid the mirrors,  I brush my teeth outside the bathroom.  I try so hard to eat something today.  But I could only take 3 bites of beef tips.

He said I wasn’t there.  He was right,  I wasn’t.   I worked and class every single day.  I told him I was doing this for us,  not just me.  I wanted to be able to contribute.  He said he couldn’t ask me not to go to school or work, but never said that he needed some time with me,  I was too involved to see this but at the same time he never indicated it to me.  I wish I saw it and I wanted to stay home with him every moment I got,  even if I was too tired to do things I was home with him,  I went home between work and class to see him. even if was for less than an hour.  He didn’t know about my depression or even that I still suffer from anorexia.   But I never had the need to tell him out right.   Because how do you explain a person of healthy weight claiming to have a eating disorder?   You cannot out right see it, I am not bones yet.  But eating food has always been a struggle, eating too much, eating too little, the constant weighing myself in the bathroom.   How do you explain that the depression you have is crippling?   You couldn’t see it because I haven’t felt it in so long till this unwanted surprise.  These things hide in the back of my head.    I know I have these things I fought them alone for a long time.  But god damn it,  I am here.    I am right here!

But its too late.  So I cried.


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