Ok Universe..Do you want to know me?

My life is anything just.   I am a lonely creature  that craves what I am currently convinced just doesn’t exist for me.  I am going to be 30 in 2 months, I suffer from anorexia and depression.  The evils go hand in hand and makes me do things I never thought I would do.  My starting weight was 149, my current weight is 138.   I eat little and sometimes what I have eaten has made me sick and I am forced to purge so I wait a couple of days and drink fruit smoothies before I try again.  But let me get down to the start of it.

My mother got knocked up at 20 years old.  She didn’t want to marry, but my father whom is 10 years older forced it.  I am one of 2 kids that never grew up together.  My parents and I moved because of the military.  He left my mother leaving only a greeting card that basically saying that he was never going to come back.  I was 6 year old.   My mother being young didn’t understand me, didn’t understand my out bursts, my personality and took me to shrinks.   I was put on Ridilin.   Eventually the trauma of my parents that fought in front of me and me taking it all in the words of my father that still haunts me “no one will ever love you” as dagger to my mothers heart and the start of my spiral towards a life that I didn’t want.  Due to the divorce, my mother and I was forced out of my childhood home and I moved and moved and moved.  At that point I went to 4 elementary schools.  Mom and I moved into a townhouse and rented from one of her co-workers.  She eventually kicked us out and we were homeless.   We lived in a motel room for 6 weeks,  eventually moved to a trailer park under a church group for abused women.   Eventually we over stayed our welcome and got kicked out again.  By this time I had started middle school.  2 middle schools,  babysitters, home alone, we eventually settled with a woman on disability.

We lived with this woman till I was in High school.   The woman and my mother fought and eventually I refused to move again with my mother.   During the constant fighting, I dated 3 boys in high school.  The first boyfriend I was head over heals immediately.  He was the classic Punk.   Piercing, skater, we stole wine and beer, we’d skip class.  Later I discovered he broke up with me because he was cheating on me a friend.    There was a brief amount of time where he eventually left her and came back to me, but surprisingly enough I never lost my virginity to.  He left me when he moved up to the mountains and started college.  I still had 2 years of high school.   At this point the fighting at home was so bad that I emancipated myself from my mom.   She abused her pain killers and lost herself.  I was 16 years old and took care of myself and her and I couldn’t do it anymore.  She was forced to move out an I didn’t speak to her for 5 years.  My second boyfriend;  he was 80% death, he taught me sign language,  loved fast cars but also had a horrible home life.  His mother was a drunk his step father abused him, he would show up to school with bruises.   He was my first.  I ended up leaving him, because of the amount of suicides he threaten me with.  I couldn’t take the mental abuse he gave me.   I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t help him and he scared me.  I ended up calling the police for fear of his safety.  My junior year I disappeared for a week.  I check myself into a hospital.  I began cutting and the ani depressants I had been on, I tried to take them all at once.. that was my first suicide attempt.  This world was too much me.  Throwing my heart out there I vowed to never get stomped on again.  My third boyfriend during high school was in my senior year.  He went to a different school.  His mother didn’t like me.  She rejected the idea that he was dating a white girl.  She was mean and eventually I got in trouble with seeing him,  I had been a smoker sense I was 16 years old and one of the biggest things was that he tried to force his religion on me.  I was an atheist at the time in my life.  I wasn’t mean about it and I never put anyone view down.  He however did all these things that contradicted his religion.  He ended up being my date for my senior prom and cornered me and my best friend  for a three some.   He whipped out his dick and I ran.   I broke up with him a few days later after I graduated.  He blamed me for break his vow of celibacy.   I was 18 when I graduated and decided it was time to leave where I was living.

College was never a thought.  I couldn’t afford it, my grades was less than par and I was alone.  I got my first apartment in walking distance of my 3 jobs I had.  During all of this I was anorexic.  My weight was 98 lbs  my weight I was suppose to be at was 125lbs.  I never had food in my fridge.   Every once in awhile I would have Chinese take out.   My apartment was bare and empty.  A shell the represented me.   I started dating a guy while I was working at one of jobs.   I told him I wanted to join the Military.   He didn’t believe me,  he hit me and told me I couldn’t defend myself against him what makes me think that I could handle being in the Army.   We fought and when things settled down I broke up with him.  We attempted to be friends, but he got more possessive.   I took my ASVAB and was preparing to start basic training all I had to do was call my recruiter.  I had a little party and my first Ex reconnected to me and things were ok.  My Ex’s got into a ego trip.  The one that hit me drugged me with GHB.  I started vomiting, I fell over and woke up a week later in the REX hospital in ICU and quarantined because of my allergy to latex.  I was hooked up to IVs in my hands and arms, heart monitors,  I had a catheter in and a breathing tube down my throat.   Jude came in, he was a psychiatrist nurse.  He explain to me what happened.   The ambulance came to my apartment to revive me, but I could be revived, CPR was done, IVs and other things.   I was pronounced dead in my apartment, dead on arrival.  Somehow I manage to come back and finally flat line a 3rd time on my 2 day due to them trying to remove the breathing tube too soon.  I was in a medical induced coma.

A week of my life taken.  The Abusive ex was never arrested and he went into the coast guard.

I got out and lost 2 of my 3 jobs.  I was so weak,  and I lost more weight but I don’t know how much.  My emotions were out of control, I was not meant to be here and this time I tried my 2nd attempt in the bath tub.  I tried to drown myself.   But.   I didn’t fully commit.  My first ex told me I need to get out of there, so I took the leap of faith and moved away.   I moved to the mountains.

I am 20 now.  I am dating my first love for a 3rd time.  I now lived in the mountains of NC.  I was in a town with people my age.  I started drinking heavier, I smoked pot constantly because it was the thing to do.  His apartment was shitty and his what he claimed ex girlfriend lived above him.  While we were dating he knocked up, but she aborted it.   But this kinda just started out as rumor that the pregnancy was even real and she just wanted money.  This should have been a sign that I should have walked away.  Eventually a couple years down the road with him, he sold pot and eventually grew it.   I was sucked up into this world.  Around this time 3 or 4 years into my relationship my father pops up.  We fight,  and I call him names of sperm donor, man whore..  He is on his 4th wife.  Eventually he starts doing kind things trying to make up for it.  I start to go school.  I start College.  Things settle down.  My boyfriend and I grew apart with work and school.  I stopped sleeping in the same bed because I was upset with him, I didn’t want pot to control our lives and it gotten so big where it took over the entire basement.  He promised to shut it down but never did,  he exploited my sexuality toward woman.  Year 6 into this relationship on my birthday our house gets raided in the middle of dinner.    I was 27.    We both go to jail.  He gets out a day later with his family taking a 2nd mortgage out.  I sat there for a week.   I get out and no one is there.   I walk to a friends house, wake him up and tell him to take me home.   I sat in the destroyed house..  My life scattered.   I am alone again.   He packed up his stuff and left me.  I had to pack up everything else and move it and was blessed to have kept my job after that entire scenario.  My game me her home to live in to get back on the my feet.  6 months of this separation for my boyfriend.. I call it quits.   The first right thing I have ever done in my life.

My heart being shattered,  a man steps into my life taken chances of being rejected.  Just a beam of light of positive.  Nearly pure of heart and he stood by me.   He cherished me and let me cry all the tears that I held in.  He understood my pains and he held me.  I was very cautious with this care that he gave me.   I eventually fell deep in love.   So deep that I couldn’t be without this man.  His beautiful spirit rose me up, his talents radiated and I could breathe.  I started to eat again, I started to laugh again.   I never imagined this was this was possible.   I learned something about him here and there, but he had a hard time opening himself up to me.  I was patient, we moved in right away together.   I felt like I had a purpose and someone who appreciated this life I had.  I was convince that this was it.   I am going to marry this man after our first year.   It was crazy but I never spoke about that.  I just knew deep in my heart that I could and I would and I know I would be the happiest girl in the world.   He was so good me and I really tried to be the same.   We worked hard together, we moved to the city together.. I move back out the mountains.  We got an apartment together and I decided I needed to go back to school.  He was so supportive.  He was rock that held my nervous emotions together, but then it started consuming my life.  I wasn’t there.   He wasn’t there.   My love,  My beautiful, amazing, patient heart of a man left me.   He lost himself at some point of our journey.  He is now trying to discover himself and I am not allowed to be apart of it.  God.  I never asked for anything.   But I beg of you.  Why did you take this one away from me?

I am alone Universe.  I have not eaten sense this split.  I have passed out due to hunger and fear and heartache.  Why?   Why do you do this to me?   I have never had a pure love like I felt with him.  He taught me more about myself and I couldn’t help him.

Please Universe help me.   I don’t want to die.   I don’t want my demons to rule over me.

 

 

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