I was prepared to drop classes today. My head couldn’t do it, I did not think I could even make it to campus for my night classes. I missed my first class tonight, but manage to drag myself to my lab. I was there early and I was just a ball of tears ready to just explode with everything I got. Sonya came up to hug me cause I haven’t said word sense I arrived. As soon as she put her arms around me, I couldn’t hold it. She immediately escorted me outside and quickly ran to get the one person that has been consoling me and counseling me sense the start, my sociology teacher. I told her how much my recent melt down was a hot mess, what he said to me, what I responded back with, the lack of food in my life, the lack of passion I have now, the disappearing act that is now me. She has been someone that I really needed in my life, and some of the things again she said was surprising and tough to hear. She also told me to breathe and live by the minutes. Take the time to be me and heal. Do the things you love and remember who you are. I am over half way through my enter college career. I cannot give up now. I have 37 weeks left. We sat outside for 2 hours. I missed most of my lab. But everyone knew where I was, so there was no cause for concern today. At the end of it all, This is not about me, I took on all this blame because this what I trained myself. I brain washed myself with this. It still hurts like hell, but every minute is a recovery minute that I need to use this as a change..
I ate some of the food I made in class. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough. Each day I have to retrain myself to survive. I will survive this heartache. This will not be the end of me. Another few strings wrap around the hole the size of the moon in my chest.