Me and my Cat.

Today was tough,   but I made back home to Miss kitty.

Hi,  I am in Culinary school.  I work in the morning/day and take classes at night.

This has been the worst and hardest term of my college career.    I got dumped on St. Patrick’s day,  I wanted to quit school because of it.   Tonight I had to yell at myself to not cry in the car.   Yep, I was that person having a very vocal conversation with myself.. no I was not singing to music,  I was convincing myself that my hormone are going crazy and I need to chill the fuck out.   I have 3 more terms to go.    This is most difficult time to be left.   But it is ok.   Keep telling myself I will be ok.   It is ok.

Yep, I am insane.  Completely.    Class was rough because we were missing literally half of my class.   I got partnered with a dipshit.    A shit dipped in more shit that is fucking lazy.

Ok there is the anger I needed out.   It’s been increasingly difficult to really focus on school.  I want him to be proud of me, but It doesn’t matter.   I did this for myself but also at the time for us.   But there is no us.   And that’s were I am struggling to maintain composure that this all for me now.   The last 3 terms I could come home, do home work sneak into bed to not wake him, then see him for about 30mins before I start all over again.   My schedule was/is horrible, but I could tell him what was going on and how crazy its been and how bad my days have been or how great and what’s new.   But even though I only see him so little and now none at all, I miss him so fucking much more.   My school work is suffering because of it  and I have to tell myself its about you.  Not him anymore.   It increases just how much harder I have stay motivated and fight through this depression.   Easier said than done.

I will eventually stop talking about him.

I have never wanted anything more than to be truly loved, the kind that lasts forever.   Till death do us part.   I honestly thought I had it.   I could be completely delusional to still believe that something is still there, but that would be more torture for myself.   I believe in the stars, the dinosaurs that roamed the earth, that there is life outside this planet even.. but if I believe in our love I am just bonkers.  I don’t want to give it up,  I just have to put it aside.

It’s me and Miss kitty.   I will give her all my love and plus some.   She will be my saving grace.

I love you Eleanor Rigby.

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