Today was tough, but I made back home to Miss kitty.
Hi, I am in Culinary school. I work in the morning/day and take classes at night.
This has been the worst and hardest term of my college career. I got dumped on St. Patrick’s day, I wanted to quit school because of it. Tonight I had to yell at myself to not cry in the car. Yep, I was that person having a very vocal conversation with myself.. no I was not singing to music, I was convincing myself that my hormone are going crazy and I need to chill the fuck out. I have 3 more terms to go. This is most difficult time to be left. But it is ok. Keep telling myself I will be ok. It is ok.
Yep, I am insane. Completely. Class was rough because we were missing literally half of my class. I got partnered with a dipshit. A shit dipped in more shit that is fucking lazy.
Ok there is the anger I needed out. It’s been increasingly difficult to really focus on school. I want him to be proud of me, but It doesn’t matter. I did this for myself but also at the time for us. But there is no us. And that’s were I am struggling to maintain composure that this all for me now. The last 3 terms I could come home, do home work sneak into bed to not wake him, then see him for about 30mins before I start all over again. My schedule was/is horrible, but I could tell him what was going on and how crazy its been and how bad my days have been or how great and what’s new. But even though I only see him so little and now none at all, I miss him so fucking much more. My school work is suffering because of it and I have to tell myself its about you. Not him anymore. It increases just how much harder I have stay motivated and fight through this depression. Easier said than done.
I will eventually stop talking about him.
I have never wanted anything more than to be truly loved, the kind that lasts forever. Till death do us part. I honestly thought I had it. I could be completely delusional to still believe that something is still there, but that would be more torture for myself. I believe in the stars, the dinosaurs that roamed the earth, that there is life outside this planet even.. but if I believe in our love I am just bonkers. I don’t want to give it up, I just have to put it aside.
It’s me and Miss kitty. I will give her all my love and plus some. She will be my saving grace.
I love you Eleanor Rigby.