Moving on.

Let’s be honest. I thought the world was turning just dandy and we were making a progress into our lives together.   We  were complimenting each others strengths that was filled with support and love and friendship and honesty with us and ourselves. I firmly believed we had it all; the creativity, the unlimited laughter and we were not just tied down or leashed or tethered together, which is a stupid way to ever look at a relationships. I want to believe that love will find away again, but the overwhelming blow to my being has knocked me out of the game of thinking of love. While you find yourself, I re-evaluated how I can live with myself and the hole  that is enveloped me.  I lost my best friend and although you may have never seen how I looked to you like that, I also lost my lover.   I am writing every day. Some days are better than others. I cannot look back and say that I hate you. Because I don’t. I will be angry at times, but it will be at myself for being so crazy and trying to convince myself of things I will never know or understand. I will be broken, but healing is time.  Maybe I won’t change.. Maybe I will still miss us and I will miss the thought of a life we could have had in Washington. I will miss the thoughts that yes, this will be a rough year for work and school, but I have the un-shaken support because this is how we would make it out there and the reliance on you won’t be so grand.  I will miss the thought of you sending me ungodly cute things to cheer me up or make me laugh at work that you don’t see I am bragging about you and ridiculously lucky I was.   I will miss your music that you play the most,  I am the biggest fan,  the start of your drawings, the experiments you teach yourself in the kitchen that I will always be proud of. I will miss how you make me laugh till my sides hurt and how you squeeze may hands in the movie theatre. I will miss your knees popping when you do yoga. I will miss every part of you that you allowed me to see. Because no matter where our roads were going, that is who I fell in love with. Thought of us traveling the world and living a simple life that was much more complicated than I ever thought would be. My Ode to you is that I hope you find happiness in a chaotic world. Life is hard. Being yourself is harder.  I may not want think I will find something better,  there is only one of you in this world.    Something could happen to either of us and I will forever feel like I never expressed myself hard enough.   We play this social media games of blocking, untagging, unfollowing, but the memories is not something I will let go.

In December I am moving to Seattle.  The plans are in motion.   I am not stopping.   I will hold my hand out for you and think we could move on.


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