what I know I want

Discovering and uncovering and exploring the inner deepest desires.

I want the marriage.   I want the babies to grow up to be children and then adults.   I want the romance.   I want the raw rough and sometimes gentle sex.   I want the morning coffee and the occasional drunk cigarette.   I want my hair to be stroked and moved out of my face after I have tried millions of times to do it myself.   I want long kisses as well as the short simple hello kisses.   I want the hand holding and sometimes a discreetly butt grab to keep me on my toes.   I want the kneeling down to put a band aid on my newly blister heal from walking all day.   I want movie night where there are discussions about it and understand if there is Chris Pratt bare bottom involved I am going to most likely try to own it for that reason.   P.s  you see this amazing butt Twice!!! in “The Passengers”.  I want to feel excitement everywhere I go with you.

I want to be able to look in your eyes and see something.  I want to be dressed in a blanket and my back stroked because I am always cold.  To be called exceptionally beautiful after all the make up is off and its just me.

I want to be open and I don’t want to hide myself.    I want to trust.   I want to love and feel it from the other side.

I want truth.

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Instructor dream

So I had an erotic dream of my current Instructor from class.   Like she is pretty cool,  and yes I am attracted to her personality like 85%.   I might be looking into a bit much, but there might be some very light flirting going on.  We have the same humor which is a plus and she is kind of a domineering and know what she likes which is cool.   However I haven’t had a lady dream in forever and it was kinda nice in away but also super surprising of whom it was with.

I am way too picky about girls anyways and I had many crushes but that’s all they were.  I have had a couple of girls I’ve let in and only one I felt compatible with, but it never worked out where we could be able to give an actual relationship a chance.   We still talk and here and there.  I think of her often and she has seen me through my last bit of relationship struggles.

But yeah,  that happened.   Stupid dreams.

Coffee and Rain.

Every day I wake up at 8:30-9:00 am now,  not willing too.   I have a starving cat now.   She has never been fed in her life and totally not spoiled.

The Rain has made her crazy and I am at relaxed level.    My bed is warm and empty with my Lab top as my companion.   Today, I’ll do laundry, drink coffee and shower.

Days like this is something I that enjoy.   I can close my eyes and I am out west.   The air is a little more brinier and the sound of traffic is more prominent.   I picture myself with a porch,  Coffee and the Seattle Rain.   I am wrapped up in a blanket and Eleanor is just hanging out in the window waiting for me to come back in.   I have a single morning cigarette to start my day, but it’s just the one.

The sign of a second companion is just rustling in the dwelling.  A faceless person, but I know it’s someone that I could love one day.

Simple wishes and simple dreams from East to going to the West.

Milk, cheese and cat food

Another week down.   I went to Walmart after class to pick up a handful of things.   I was wearing my uniform from class,  I walked like the dead.   Brain dead after sociology.   I realized that most of everything I thought I knew of what I think I need in my life is extremely trivial and temperamental.

I want happiness, but it’s only in the things that I choose to love.  Food.   I choose to love food and feeding people.   I choose to love my cat, even though she destroys nice things.   I want peace, but only when I feel like I can breathe on a day of no obligations.   I haven’t had one of those days.   I am always somewhere doing something.  I want acceptance, but only on my terms that I have be alone in my own skin and mind.  I want to feel love..  but all I feel is just rejection.  Every.. day,  I wake up, open my eyes and listen to my first alert breath of each day.

I stand in line waiting.   My eyes catch the tabloids as follows:  “Angelina’s secret life”,  “Hillary the Russian Spy”,  “Time; WW2” and “Trumps war on dictators”.

Send me.  Send me to fight for something good.  Let me feel something other than internal pain.  I don’t want to come back.  I volunteer.

But I am just here for Milk, cheese and cat food.

I feel the darkness

There has been so many days where I am been good and better, but then there are the more moments through out a day where a shadow creeps upon me.   I have not recovered from one of my classes and I was approached yesterday to not give up and fight for my grades when every day I am exhausted from pulling extra hours for bigger pay checks.   Financial Aid has contacted me because of my inability to make monthly payments and is putting next term in a compromising position till I make a large sum deposit.   Then on top of that of my expensive rent and my car repairs.    The anxiety of taking on too much now is catching up.  I must choose education over Shelter.. Sadly I choose shelter,  I must choose the 30$ a day to put towards my car to get to work and back than food for myself.

This Shadow hovers over me and its cold breathing on my neck.   I am tired all the time but I continue to not sleep well.

My First song I have learned.

My first song I learned was “can’t help falling in love with you”   by the King on the Ukulele.

However its TOP cover which made the chords easier for me to learn.   I haven’t played it for anyone but Eleanor.   I spent yesterday just playing it over and over and over, occasionally switching it up to other songs but ultimately that is my song now.   Each day I am practicing more and actually singing and I laugh at myself with how bad I am.  Yet also slightly impress that I can do it.  I realized that the songs on my list are a bit harder than I thought, but hell.  I have only had this instrument for over a month now.  I am more excited to start really branch out to a more jazzy tune of ” Lie vie en rose”.   The chords are not bad from what I found on a phone app.    I am starting to be able to put the music and words together, but still have horrible rhythm.

I even thought of a name for him.   Aaron Roberts.

Its a combination of Middle names from 2 artist that I like that goes in with the present day and days of the past.

I’ll see if it sticks.

Children of Easter

The strain on my heart to have a future seems ever so much more distant.   I went on a road trip to see a friend of 17 years.   Her first born turned a year old.   None of her family really knew who I was.  I felt like an outcast but through the child’s eyes; she was hesitant but waddled her way and sat in my lap for a brief moment before it was nap time.   I felt a warmth in my heart that blossomed more of a desire to have a family of my own.   I know it’s hard work but despite everything and all the darkness I have encountered in my life,  my soul still wants to have a family with or without a partner in my life.    The day of Easter  I played with a 7 year old.   She was giggly and smart and sweet and her laughter filled me with more joy and her parents that are another set of good friends that I envy.  I left to come home to my cat.   The love and affection I get is just enough for me to get out of bed every morning.  There is still a very empty space that resides in me.   The deeper I look into it, the more I am discovering that it is a an endless rabbit hole with twists and turns.