The strain on my heart to have a future seems ever so much more distant. I went on a road trip to see a friend of 17 years. Her first born turned a year old. None of her family really knew who I was. I felt like an outcast but through the child’s eyes; she was hesitant but waddled her way and sat in my lap for a brief moment before it was nap time. I felt a warmth in my heart that blossomed more of a desire to have a family of my own. I know it’s hard work but despite everything and all the darkness I have encountered in my life, my soul still wants to have a family with or without a partner in my life. The day of Easter I played with a 7 year old. She was giggly and smart and sweet and her laughter filled me with more joy and her parents that are another set of good friends that I envy. I left to come home to my cat. The love and affection I get is just enough for me to get out of bed every morning. There is still a very empty space that resides in me. The deeper I look into it, the more I am discovering that it is a an endless rabbit hole with twists and turns.