It feels very inexcusable to not be talking to the great beyond. Does this mean that I have finally moved past a point? No? ok..
Well in the past 3 days things happened. I went to the Natural Science Museum in Durham with a friend and I fell in love with the dinosaur trail and the butterfly bio dome. It was however at the peak of this spring weather of 92 degrees out. After the Museum we got Chicken’n waffles at this little joint called “Dames”. Not quite like “Beasley’s” another place that specializes in this Southern cuisine.. but “Dames” has smears. These smears are just these amazing enriched flavored butters. There were so many options and it was very good. I could go back again. We Redboxed a movie “The Passengers” and though the story was pretty weird in a sad and creepy way Chris Pratt’s butt was possibly the highlight of the entire movie.
I got to see one of my best friends who has been around me thick and thin for brunch the next day. Zack told me that I looked great. We caught up finally on the after math of months before the break up and up to date. His disbelieving and anger was something that I never saw in him before. Especially when I told him about the engagement ring purchase. However, I still have that numbness and just confusion floating around me. I am hurt but is just another insecurity. And though I should never compare anyone to what other has done to me in the past I now have an irrational fear that I will only get played with and not settle.. That spiritual connection that no one really talks of and maybe there is a reason for that, certain people are just destined to be alone.
After brunch, I got home to find the pool open. I grabbed my suit and set off to soak up the sun. I however soaked it up too much. I got burnt. Like, holy shit, these lines are bad and walking is physically and exhaustively painful.
2 days later; I am going to work and class with no bra on because of how unconformable I am and popping IB Profin like its candy. (I hate pills) I have a life that won’t pay for itself and rent that is beyond my control and tuition that is just building, but cutting corners and scraping hours everywhere I can get.. I will sleep when I die has been this term’s motto.
2 weeks left. I dropped one class, I have failed out another and I have my Lab that I am desperately holding onto with B+. Needless to say this will be the first term I have not made the honor roll or dean’s list. It hurts, but I know that with everything I have gone through, this was the hardest term I have ever had emotionally loosing myself. I have accepted that I will now not be graduating on time with my 2 other girls, but its ok. I am focusing on me. I am proud that I have survived even if making it out of a Lab alive.
Here I am tonight. Still burnt, but my chest has started to have the glimmer of peeling. I have peeled 50 pounds of potatoes night, braised 25 pounds of pork bellies, and made 2 quarts of Asian BBQ sauce.
I am tired, but not. Life is still moving. I am now just caught up in the flowing current.