These past days

Has been a complete roller coaster..   I am in my finals this week and then I am bouncing into another term.. once again there is no rest.   My birthday,  its officailly under 10 days.   My dress still hangs, the shoes are out and my thoughts of are trying to be present and realistic.

The new home hunt has been challenging.    I just wish I could be alone..  I still need the acceptance of loneliness without roommates or family.   He still looms in my head, even after a date I had.   I allowed myself to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.   Chris Pratt, Dream boat.. the Music once again amazing.   Just over all great movie.

I have been researching tiny homes again.    Its under stronger consideration.   I think Eleanor and myself could get down with it.   Everyday I am thankful for my cat.   She wakes me up and although she is make me grumpy in the morning  I have start of my day and even with grumpiness a feeling.   My numbness is dissipating.   Tonight I started a project that I should have started a long time ago and that was paining my dresser.   I did one drawer and it looks pretty alright.   Each night I plan to do another drawer.

My tattoo is almost completely healed and I am nearly ready for another.

I am have been playing with Aaron Roberts more.   I have learned few new songs.   Its not good enough to sing in front of people or even my musician friend.  I am still ashamed of my voice.   I am rambling now..

 

Coffee and Rain.

Every day I wake up at 8:30-9:00 am now,  not willing too.   I have a starving cat now.   She has never been fed in her life and totally not spoiled.

The Rain has made her crazy and I am at relaxed level.    My bed is warm and empty with my Lab top as my companion.   Today, I’ll do laundry, drink coffee and shower.

Days like this is something I that enjoy.   I can close my eyes and I am out west.   The air is a little more brinier and the sound of traffic is more prominent.   I picture myself with a porch,  Coffee and the Seattle Rain.   I am wrapped up in a blanket and Eleanor is just hanging out in the window waiting for me to come back in.   I have a single morning cigarette to start my day, but it’s just the one.

The sign of a second companion is just rustling in the dwelling.  A faceless person, but I know it’s someone that I could love one day.

Simple wishes and simple dreams from East to going to the West.

My First song I have learned.

My first song I learned was “can’t help falling in love with you”   by the King on the Ukulele.

However its TOP cover which made the chords easier for me to learn.   I haven’t played it for anyone but Eleanor.   I spent yesterday just playing it over and over and over, occasionally switching it up to other songs but ultimately that is my song now.   Each day I am practicing more and actually singing and I laugh at myself with how bad I am.  Yet also slightly impress that I can do it.  I realized that the songs on my list are a bit harder than I thought, but hell.  I have only had this instrument for over a month now.  I am more excited to start really branch out to a more jazzy tune of ” Lie vie en rose”.   The chords are not bad from what I found on a phone app.    I am starting to be able to put the music and words together, but still have horrible rhythm.

I even thought of a name for him.   Aaron Roberts.

Its a combination of Middle names from 2 artist that I like that goes in with the present day and days of the past.

I’ll see if it sticks.

Someone I need.

Someone I need,

A person that will watch World news tonight with.

A person that will let me sleep with my cat and keep the door open.

A person who loves them self first

A person that understands that I am working for myself now

A person to makes me laugh

A person to make me mad with lust

A person with creativity

A person with ambition

A person with free will and consideration

A person who can open completely

A person to trust

An adventurous person

A serious person

An intelligent person

A person to be educated

 

Turns out, I am that person and that someone who longs for the matching link.

 

10.5 hours

Today I went into work still drunk from the night before.

I did in fact have a good time, but I was reckless and drove home.   My musician friend and his wife are some amazing people and I envy what they have.  Last night,  He bought me a cigar and I sipped on a moscow mule.   It was spicy, tart and had that hard bite of vodka.   We sat around talking and the relationship subject was open.   They understood that it wasn’t out of a malicious content from what I could explain or even knew for that matter.   They actually kinda applauded that he was better off in his world or discovering it himself.   Never changed the fact that it was still a shitty feeling of giving your all and not having the ability to receive it back.   The amount of pain that I struggle on a day to day basis.   They reassured me calmness will approach me and with the little friends my musician trusts, I am in the small handful of people he has.

He said that I am one of a kind, someone special.   He also said that hates moving things,  mostly couches.. but for me he would move my couch over and over and over again.

The musician was also one of the people to help us move into my empty space now.   He is going to be the one to help me move out of this empty shell.

You can’t find friends like that.    You can friends that you get hammered with,  play games with, go see shows with or even crash on the couch with.. but this friendship goes beyond that point to where he has inducted me into his family.   He daughter knows me, his wife is planning to steal me from him.  They will feed me if I am hungry, call them at 3am if I need too, teach me music lessons,  hold heart felt conversations.   I envy them.

I drove home drunk.   I got into bed and passed out.   Eleanor woke me up and truly she is the only motivation I have to take care of anything that is in this shell of broken memories.   She licked my cheek, climbed on my back and when I kicked her off she bounce right back on. Puurrr Purrr in my hear.  I got up.   I fed her, I put clothes on and went to work.   Still drunk from the night before, I got to work I chugged a propel water, normal water and coffee to sober up quickly for my long day.  A hangover loomed over my head, but I pushed and pushed.   10.5 hours later my day is finally done.  I did my job solo today.   My partner at work went to watch the hockey game with her friends.   I was in control and though I was a mess with headache and body pains.   I did it.

I am home now, soaked in the tub with only 1 last bath bomb left to use.   Ironically it was called “Restore”.   I laid there.   I had my laptop on a tiny table and watched “Last man on earth”.

I haven’t cried in 2 days.   I have eaten a little more today, but boy did hurt my stomach.   Nothing has been agreeing with it lately.  It’s sharp pains as soon as I finish a snack size portion and then what I could only describe as a mudslide shortly follows.   I have lost more weight.   My stomach though still a little curvy is significantly smaller.   I am starting to feel more rib bones in my back than I used too and I cannot get comfortable in bed.

It’s weird how my weight loss happens, my upper body is affected way more than say my legs or butt.   my waist is smaller, I had to put a 2 hole in my belt last week.

10.5 hours.  What a long day.  I can relax with “bob’s burgers” catch up till I fall asleep.

 

 

 

 

Good morning.

Today I will take you through my daily day.

Lately I am waking up at 8:30am, typically before the alarm goes off.  I get up.  Feed Miss Kitty.   I pick up her bowl set it on the washer and put 3 table spoons of her kibble in it.   I take her food and just around the corner next to her fountain,  I put my right hand out an arms length away.    She immediately nuzzles my hand and waits for me to set down her bowl.   She then sits and waits till I tell her “ok”.    I browse the internet for about an hour.   I consider coffee, but I don’t do it.   I grab my propel water instead.    I don’t eat breakfast,  but instead consider going to the gym.   I still don’t do it.   If mornings keep coming easy like this, then I could do it.

Lately I up get ready for work and leave 30 mins prior for possible traffic on the highway.  I am at work at 10am till 4pm.   I get home about 4:20 depending on traffic.   I feed miss kitty again and get ready for class.   I leave for class about 5pm to get there at 5:20pm.   From there I work till 11pm.   Coming home I am exhausted.   I am greeted sometimes by Miss Kitty.   I take a deep breathe and work out in my head that I am ok.   I take my uniform off, I shower do some homework in bed and around 1:30-2am I am going to sleep.    My text book lives in my bed, I still have my suitcase on my bed and my laptop plays something to make me feel not alone.

Friday I am forcing myself to see people after my 9:30 class ends.  This visit will be me learning how to play an instrument.   I impulsively bought a ukulele.  I miss the live music in my home.  My friend is extremely excited to teach me,  I started making a list of songs I want to learn and though I don’t sing, I will.  Saturday I pull 10 hour shift.  I don’t know if I will be working Sunday, other wise that is 8 days in a row of working.  I don’t like this.  I wish I could go out an experience life.  The sacrifice I make to keep this roof above my head, experience in my field and networking for when I move out of NC.  No matter what happens, I am leaving NC.  I am going to leave out west.

My motivations have changed,  Its not much now, but it could be just enough.

 

Me and my Cat.

Today was tough,   but I made back home to Miss kitty.

Hi,  I am in Culinary school.  I work in the morning/day and take classes at night.

This has been the worst and hardest term of my college career.    I got dumped on St. Patrick’s day,  I wanted to quit school because of it.   Tonight I had to yell at myself to not cry in the car.   Yep, I was that person having a very vocal conversation with myself.. no I was not singing to music,  I was convincing myself that my hormone are going crazy and I need to chill the fuck out.   I have 3 more terms to go.    This is most difficult time to be left.   But it is ok.   Keep telling myself I will be ok.   It is ok.

Yep, I am insane.  Completely.    Class was rough because we were missing literally half of my class.   I got partnered with a dipshit.    A shit dipped in more shit that is fucking lazy.

Ok there is the anger I needed out.   It’s been increasingly difficult to really focus on school.  I want him to be proud of me, but It doesn’t matter.   I did this for myself but also at the time for us.   But there is no us.   And that’s were I am struggling to maintain composure that this all for me now.   The last 3 terms I could come home, do home work sneak into bed to not wake him, then see him for about 30mins before I start all over again.   My schedule was/is horrible, but I could tell him what was going on and how crazy its been and how bad my days have been or how great and what’s new.   But even though I only see him so little and now none at all, I miss him so fucking much more.   My school work is suffering because of it  and I have to tell myself its about you.  Not him anymore.   It increases just how much harder I have stay motivated and fight through this depression.   Easier said than done.

I will eventually stop talking about him.

I have never wanted anything more than to be truly loved, the kind that lasts forever.   Till death do us part.   I honestly thought I had it.   I could be completely delusional to still believe that something is still there, but that would be more torture for myself.   I believe in the stars, the dinosaurs that roamed the earth, that there is life outside this planet even.. but if I believe in our love I am just bonkers.  I don’t want to give it up,  I just have to put it aside.

It’s me and Miss kitty.   I will give her all my love and plus some.   She will be my saving grace.

I love you Eleanor Rigby.