Today I went into work still drunk from the night before.
I did in fact have a good time, but I was reckless and drove home. My musician friend and his wife are some amazing people and I envy what they have. Last night, He bought me a cigar and I sipped on a moscow mule. It was spicy, tart and had that hard bite of vodka. We sat around talking and the relationship subject was open. They understood that it wasn’t out of a malicious content from what I could explain or even knew for that matter. They actually kinda applauded that he was better off in his world or discovering it himself. Never changed the fact that it was still a shitty feeling of giving your all and not having the ability to receive it back. The amount of pain that I struggle on a day to day basis. They reassured me calmness will approach me and with the little friends my musician trusts, I am in the small handful of people he has.
He said that I am one of a kind, someone special. He also said that hates moving things, mostly couches.. but for me he would move my couch over and over and over again.
The musician was also one of the people to help us move into my empty space now. He is going to be the one to help me move out of this empty shell.
You can’t find friends like that. You can friends that you get hammered with, play games with, go see shows with or even crash on the couch with.. but this friendship goes beyond that point to where he has inducted me into his family. He daughter knows me, his wife is planning to steal me from him. They will feed me if I am hungry, call them at 3am if I need too, teach me music lessons, hold heart felt conversations. I envy them.
I drove home drunk. I got into bed and passed out. Eleanor woke me up and truly she is the only motivation I have to take care of anything that is in this shell of broken memories. She licked my cheek, climbed on my back and when I kicked her off she bounce right back on. Puurrr Purrr in my hear. I got up. I fed her, I put clothes on and went to work. Still drunk from the night before, I got to work I chugged a propel water, normal water and coffee to sober up quickly for my long day. A hangover loomed over my head, but I pushed and pushed. 10.5 hours later my day is finally done. I did my job solo today. My partner at work went to watch the hockey game with her friends. I was in control and though I was a mess with headache and body pains. I did it.
I am home now, soaked in the tub with only 1 last bath bomb left to use. Ironically it was called “Restore”. I laid there. I had my laptop on a tiny table and watched “Last man on earth”.
I haven’t cried in 2 days. I have eaten a little more today, but boy did hurt my stomach. Nothing has been agreeing with it lately. It’s sharp pains as soon as I finish a snack size portion and then what I could only describe as a mudslide shortly follows. I have lost more weight. My stomach though still a little curvy is significantly smaller. I am starting to feel more rib bones in my back than I used too and I cannot get comfortable in bed.
It’s weird how my weight loss happens, my upper body is affected way more than say my legs or butt. my waist is smaller, I had to put a 2 hole in my belt last week.
10.5 hours. What a long day. I can relax with “bob’s burgers” catch up till I fall asleep.