This is the last week of my 4th term.
I just want it over now. I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore. I am afraid I am losing my passion. I can’t get myself down again.
I entered the final stages, I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status, and of course I saw a picture of him.. it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of.. do you really touch tongues with friends? Cheek to cheek? yeah.. I feel gross inside. Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good. I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates. It’s done.
I turn 30 in a week.
Notes; There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me. I don’t understand why? I am at complete loss really. He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up, seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore. Is this a cruel joke, world? Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me? Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now. Maybe I am good enough for the nurse? I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention.. Who is myself? Who am I?
Hi, I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one, I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months. I want to be loved but I am afraid now.
I am tired of feeling everything at once. Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.
I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis. My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts. My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month, she sends me pictures of my dream city out west. Then there is the male nurse. He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion. He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is? He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know. I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving. He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing.. (I had to look up what endearing meant).
Though I have this new friend, I still feel alone.