charged day

I woke up with chest pains.    My left hand went numb.   I didn’t move from bed till 11:30am.    I just laid there waiting for whatever it was to pass.  I couldn’t tell someone I was hurting.   I have been fighting the urge to cry.

Today I started packing up my apartment to move.   Everything I touched I remember how I wanted to make a home out of this place.  Now its becoming an empty shell.

Over the past couple of months I am that empty shell.

My dreams have now altered to fit my loneliness.  I have been pushed into a fight to get my life out of this state.  I don’t belong here.   I am 30 years old and I don’t belong here.

Today I blocked another person from my life, because they lied to me and was caught.

Releasing the toxicity is draining me, but I have to know that when this poison is gone I can recharge myself.

Drunk phone call

I am very certain my friend was drunk on something.   Or maybe he was high?

Let me give you the run down.   In 2007 I moved to a small mountain town.    It was new years and I was 20 years old.  I met Dave.   He was painfully shy around me.   I was in 2 relationships the entire time we have know each other up to this day.

Dave served in the Army.   I have the most respect for soldiers and veterans.   Being a military bratt and both parents that are veterans  I am very proud to know the people I do and when they are down I am I try to let them know that I am here and you are loved and missed.   Dave has had a very rocky adventure sense his last tour.   He is struggled to find stability is this crazy world.  He would message me every once in awhile and we would catch up.   He always complained about a girl he was seeing.

Tonight was different.   Its been 10 years of knowing him and maybe 5 years of hearing his voice first the first time tonight.

He made a confession to me tonight.    5 Hours apart, he confesses that he has feelings for me.   Sense the day he met me and how utterly scared he was to even talk to me.   I question this entire conversation because his words were slurred.  He sounded tired and sad.   He sounded desperate for affection.   10 years and I couldn’t return it.

I really hope he wasn’t sober.   Should I call him tomorrow to check up on him?

I just can’t trust.   I can’t let anyone in yet to see me.  I can’t let this man feel my hurt.

 

 

When is it ok?

I am learning to love myself even more with the new age.  I have told myself that I need to be 100% honest.   But everyday I ask myself when is it ok?

When is ok to love someone?  Or even if I do ever again, when will it be ok to trust they will give the amount received back?  When I love, I love with everything I have and I will only give my very soul.

 

in 2 hours

In 2 hours I take my last exam

In 2 hours I finish my hardest Term

In 2 hours I survived the hardest 10 weeks

In 2 hours I will have set a standard for myself to fight harder and let no one ever distract me again

In 2 hours I change my course in my life

In 2 hours I choose myself over anyone else

In 2 hours I will love myself harder

In 2 hours I will have some hard drinks

In 2 hours I will clean my memories

In 2 hours I will accept that I am doing it alone

In 2 hours I will still be alone after this final victory.

In 2 hours I will crawl into bed and not cry

In 2 hours I will learn to be proud of myself

In 2 hours although I know I hurt and this weight will be lifted I still trying to pull through the hate and disgust I have for myself for working so hard on a dream that I don’t know I can fulfill on my journey to the west.

In 110mins..

I am scared I’ll never be truely happy.

Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

These past days

Has been a complete roller coaster..   I am in my finals this week and then I am bouncing into another term.. once again there is no rest.   My birthday,  its officailly under 10 days.   My dress still hangs, the shoes are out and my thoughts of are trying to be present and realistic.

The new home hunt has been challenging.    I just wish I could be alone..  I still need the acceptance of loneliness without roommates or family.   He still looms in my head, even after a date I had.   I allowed myself to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.   Chris Pratt, Dream boat.. the Music once again amazing.   Just over all great movie.

I have been researching tiny homes again.    Its under stronger consideration.   I think Eleanor and myself could get down with it.   Everyday I am thankful for my cat.   She wakes me up and although she is make me grumpy in the morning  I have start of my day and even with grumpiness a feeling.   My numbness is dissipating.   Tonight I started a project that I should have started a long time ago and that was paining my dresser.   I did one drawer and it looks pretty alright.   Each night I plan to do another drawer.

My tattoo is almost completely healed and I am nearly ready for another.

I am have been playing with Aaron Roberts more.   I have learned few new songs.   Its not good enough to sing in front of people or even my musician friend.  I am still ashamed of my voice.   I am rambling now..

 

Fresh scares

After on hold of getting a tattoo and trying to be reserve on when the right time was.   I decided I to get one.   A new one.   Its been 6 years?    Trying to think clearly and the memory is kinda fuzzy.. but I am pretty sure it was when I was 24.   I spent money on myself for fun.   I spent money on myself for the sake of the fact that my vacuum has been dead for the past month and a half and replaced it.   But this fun tattoo has cured many elements of my sanity.   This will be my first visible tattoo that I will never hide from people.   Its small and frisky.    It’s modern and clean.   Its also a dinosaur.  It’s my favorite dinosaur and though the real one is not like the one in the Jurassic park movie; I chose the Jurassic park version.   I think I shall make it be a girl.

She covers my scar that I look at everyday.   She is looks delicate in her origami folds of tattooed paper and fierce with her up right stance and her gills waving about.   She is my protection of me from me.   I am proud of my dino tattoo.    I love my dino tattoo.

Happy early 30th birthday me.