in 2 hours

In 2 hours I take my last exam

In 2 hours I finish my hardest Term

In 2 hours I survived the hardest 10 weeks

In 2 hours I will have set a standard for myself to fight harder and let no one ever distract me again

In 2 hours I change my course in my life

In 2 hours I choose myself over anyone else

In 2 hours I will love myself harder

In 2 hours I will have some hard drinks

In 2 hours I will clean my memories

In 2 hours I will accept that I am doing it alone

In 2 hours I will still be alone after this final victory.

In 2 hours I will crawl into bed and not cry

In 2 hours I will learn to be proud of myself

In 2 hours although I know I hurt and this weight will be lifted I still trying to pull through the hate and disgust I have for myself for working so hard on a dream that I don’t know I can fulfill on my journey to the west.

In 110mins..

I am scared I’ll never be truely happy.

Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

These past days

Has been a complete roller coaster..   I am in my finals this week and then I am bouncing into another term.. once again there is no rest.   My birthday,  its officailly under 10 days.   My dress still hangs, the shoes are out and my thoughts of are trying to be present and realistic.

The new home hunt has been challenging.    I just wish I could be alone..  I still need the acceptance of loneliness without roommates or family.   He still looms in my head, even after a date I had.   I allowed myself to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.   Chris Pratt, Dream boat.. the Music once again amazing.   Just over all great movie.

I have been researching tiny homes again.    Its under stronger consideration.   I think Eleanor and myself could get down with it.   Everyday I am thankful for my cat.   She wakes me up and although she is make me grumpy in the morning  I have start of my day and even with grumpiness a feeling.   My numbness is dissipating.   Tonight I started a project that I should have started a long time ago and that was paining my dresser.   I did one drawer and it looks pretty alright.   Each night I plan to do another drawer.

My tattoo is almost completely healed and I am nearly ready for another.

I am have been playing with Aaron Roberts more.   I have learned few new songs.   Its not good enough to sing in front of people or even my musician friend.  I am still ashamed of my voice.   I am rambling now..

 

Fresh scares

After on hold of getting a tattoo and trying to be reserve on when the right time was.   I decided I to get one.   A new one.   Its been 6 years?    Trying to think clearly and the memory is kinda fuzzy.. but I am pretty sure it was when I was 24.   I spent money on myself for fun.   I spent money on myself for the sake of the fact that my vacuum has been dead for the past month and a half and replaced it.   But this fun tattoo has cured many elements of my sanity.   This will be my first visible tattoo that I will never hide from people.   Its small and frisky.    It’s modern and clean.   Its also a dinosaur.  It’s my favorite dinosaur and though the real one is not like the one in the Jurassic park movie; I chose the Jurassic park version.   I think I shall make it be a girl.

She covers my scar that I look at everyday.   She is looks delicate in her origami folds of tattooed paper and fierce with her up right stance and her gills waving about.   She is my protection of me from me.   I am proud of my dino tattoo.    I love my dino tattoo.

Happy early 30th birthday me.

Milk, cheese and cat food

Another week down.   I went to Walmart after class to pick up a handful of things.   I was wearing my uniform from class,  I walked like the dead.   Brain dead after sociology.   I realized that most of everything I thought I knew of what I think I need in my life is extremely trivial and temperamental.

I want happiness, but it’s only in the things that I choose to love.  Food.   I choose to love food and feeding people.   I choose to love my cat, even though she destroys nice things.   I want peace, but only when I feel like I can breathe on a day of no obligations.   I haven’t had one of those days.   I am always somewhere doing something.  I want acceptance, but only on my terms that I have be alone in my own skin and mind.  I want to feel love..  but all I feel is just rejection.  Every.. day,  I wake up, open my eyes and listen to my first alert breath of each day.

I stand in line waiting.   My eyes catch the tabloids as follows:  “Angelina’s secret life”,  “Hillary the Russian Spy”,  “Time; WW2” and “Trumps war on dictators”.

Send me.  Send me to fight for something good.  Let me feel something other than internal pain.  I don’t want to come back.  I volunteer.

But I am just here for Milk, cheese and cat food.

I feel the darkness

There has been so many days where I am been good and better, but then there are the more moments through out a day where a shadow creeps upon me.   I have not recovered from one of my classes and I was approached yesterday to not give up and fight for my grades when every day I am exhausted from pulling extra hours for bigger pay checks.   Financial Aid has contacted me because of my inability to make monthly payments and is putting next term in a compromising position till I make a large sum deposit.   Then on top of that of my expensive rent and my car repairs.    The anxiety of taking on too much now is catching up.  I must choose education over Shelter.. Sadly I choose shelter,  I must choose the 30$ a day to put towards my car to get to work and back than food for myself.

This Shadow hovers over me and its cold breathing on my neck.   I am tired all the time but I continue to not sleep well.

Children of Easter

The strain on my heart to have a future seems ever so much more distant.   I went on a road trip to see a friend of 17 years.   Her first born turned a year old.   None of her family really knew who I was.  I felt like an outcast but through the child’s eyes; she was hesitant but waddled her way and sat in my lap for a brief moment before it was nap time.   I felt a warmth in my heart that blossomed more of a desire to have a family of my own.   I know it’s hard work but despite everything and all the darkness I have encountered in my life,  my soul still wants to have a family with or without a partner in my life.    The day of Easter  I played with a 7 year old.   She was giggly and smart and sweet and her laughter filled me with more joy and her parents that are another set of good friends that I envy.  I left to come home to my cat.   The love and affection I get is just enough for me to get out of bed every morning.  There is still a very empty space that resides in me.   The deeper I look into it, the more I am discovering that it is a an endless rabbit hole with twists and turns.