charged day

I woke up with chest pains.    My left hand went numb.   I didn’t move from bed till 11:30am.    I just laid there waiting for whatever it was to pass.  I couldn’t tell someone I was hurting.   I have been fighting the urge to cry.

Today I started packing up my apartment to move.   Everything I touched I remember how I wanted to make a home out of this place.  Now its becoming an empty shell.

Over the past couple of months I am that empty shell.

My dreams have now altered to fit my loneliness.  I have been pushed into a fight to get my life out of this state.  I don’t belong here.   I am 30 years old and I don’t belong here.

Today I blocked another person from my life, because they lied to me and was caught.

Releasing the toxicity is draining me, but I have to know that when this poison is gone I can recharge myself.

Drunk phone call

I am very certain my friend was drunk on something.   Or maybe he was high?

Let me give you the run down.   In 2007 I moved to a small mountain town.    It was new years and I was 20 years old.  I met Dave.   He was painfully shy around me.   I was in 2 relationships the entire time we have know each other up to this day.

Dave served in the Army.   I have the most respect for soldiers and veterans.   Being a military bratt and both parents that are veterans  I am very proud to know the people I do and when they are down I am I try to let them know that I am here and you are loved and missed.   Dave has had a very rocky adventure sense his last tour.   He is struggled to find stability is this crazy world.  He would message me every once in awhile and we would catch up.   He always complained about a girl he was seeing.

Tonight was different.   Its been 10 years of knowing him and maybe 5 years of hearing his voice first the first time tonight.

He made a confession to me tonight.    5 Hours apart, he confesses that he has feelings for me.   Sense the day he met me and how utterly scared he was to even talk to me.   I question this entire conversation because his words were slurred.  He sounded tired and sad.   He sounded desperate for affection.   10 years and I couldn’t return it.

I really hope he wasn’t sober.   Should I call him tomorrow to check up on him?

I just can’t trust.   I can’t let anyone in yet to see me.  I can’t let this man feel my hurt.

 

 

The one Picture of us.

I looked at it like 10 times today.  I looked at the details, where our hands are, if they are squeezing with passion.  The position of our heads.  I could only reach the top of your chest.  Your head though cocked away, your chin still touches my forehead.   I am in mid laugh and honestly I am though an ugly crier I just look horrific in the middle of laughing.  I am trying to figure out of your expression.

I can’t tell.  I can’t translated it.  It could just be a terrible picture of both of us.

But it was our first.

 

Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

Flow of my life

It feels very inexcusable to not be talking to the great beyond.    Does this mean that I have finally moved past a point?   No? ok..

Well in the past 3 days  things happened.   I went to the Natural Science Museum in Durham with a friend and I fell in love with the dinosaur trail and the butterfly bio dome.    It was however at the peak of this spring weather of 92 degrees out.   After the Museum we got Chicken’n waffles at this little joint called “Dames”.   Not quite like “Beasley’s” another place that specializes in this Southern cuisine.. but “Dames” has smears.  These smears are just these amazing enriched flavored butters.     There were so many options and it was very good.   I could go back again.   We Redboxed a movie “The Passengers” and though the story was pretty weird in a sad and creepy way  Chris Pratt’s butt was possibly the highlight of the entire movie.

I got to see one of my best friends who has been around me thick and thin for brunch the next day.    Zack told me that I looked great.   We caught up finally on the after math of months before the break up and up to date.   His disbelieving and anger was something that I never saw in him before.  Especially when I told him about the engagement ring purchase.  However,  I still have that numbness and just confusion floating around me.   I am hurt but is just another insecurity.   And though I should never compare anyone to what other has done to me in the past I now have an irrational fear that I will only get played with and not settle..  That spiritual connection that no one really talks of  and maybe there is a reason for that, certain people are just destined to be alone.

After brunch, I got home to find the pool open.   I grabbed my suit and set off to soak up the sun.   I however soaked it up too much.    I got burnt.  Like, holy shit, these lines are bad and walking is physically and exhaustively painful.

2 days later;  I am going to work and class with no bra on because of how unconformable I am and popping IB Profin like its candy.   (I hate pills)   I have a life that won’t pay for itself and rent that is beyond my control and tuition that is just building, but cutting corners and scraping hours everywhere I can get.. I will sleep when I die has been this term’s motto.

2 weeks left.   I dropped one class, I have failed out another and I have my Lab that I am desperately holding onto with B+.  Needless to say this will be the first term I have not made the honor roll or dean’s list.   It hurts, but I know that with everything I have gone through, this was the hardest term I have ever had emotionally loosing myself.  I have accepted that I will now not be graduating on time with my 2 other girls, but its ok.    I am focusing on me.   I am proud that I have survived even if making it out of a Lab alive.

Here I am tonight.   Still burnt,  but my chest has started to have the glimmer of peeling.  I have peeled 50 pounds of potatoes night,  braised 25 pounds of pork bellies, and made 2 quarts of Asian BBQ sauce.

I am tired, but not.   Life is still moving.  I am now just caught up in the flowing current.

what I know I want

Discovering and uncovering and exploring the inner deepest desires.

I want the marriage.   I want the babies to grow up to be children and then adults.   I want the romance.   I want the raw rough and sometimes gentle sex.   I want the morning coffee and the occasional drunk cigarette.   I want my hair to be stroked and moved out of my face after I have tried millions of times to do it myself.   I want long kisses as well as the short simple hello kisses.   I want the hand holding and sometimes a discreetly butt grab to keep me on my toes.   I want the kneeling down to put a band aid on my newly blister heal from walking all day.   I want movie night where there are discussions about it and understand if there is Chris Pratt bare bottom involved I am going to most likely try to own it for that reason.   P.s  you see this amazing butt Twice!!! in “The Passengers”.  I want to feel excitement everywhere I go with you.

I want to be able to look in your eyes and see something.  I want to be dressed in a blanket and my back stroked because I am always cold.  To be called exceptionally beautiful after all the make up is off and its just me.

I want to be open and I don’t want to hide myself.    I want to trust.   I want to love and feel it from the other side.

I want truth.

Instructor dream

So I had an erotic dream of my current Instructor from class.   Like she is pretty cool,  and yes I am attracted to her personality like 85%.   I might be looking into a bit much, but there might be some very light flirting going on.  We have the same humor which is a plus and she is kind of a domineering and know what she likes which is cool.   However I haven’t had a lady dream in forever and it was kinda nice in away but also super surprising of whom it was with.

I am way too picky about girls anyways and I had many crushes but that’s all they were.  I have had a couple of girls I’ve let in and only one I felt compatible with, but it never worked out where we could be able to give an actual relationship a chance.   We still talk and here and there.  I think of her often and she has seen me through my last bit of relationship struggles.

But yeah,  that happened.   Stupid dreams.