Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

Flow of my life

It feels very inexcusable to not be talking to the great beyond.    Does this mean that I have finally moved past a point?   No? ok..

Well in the past 3 days  things happened.   I went to the Natural Science Museum in Durham with a friend and I fell in love with the dinosaur trail and the butterfly bio dome.    It was however at the peak of this spring weather of 92 degrees out.   After the Museum we got Chicken’n waffles at this little joint called “Dames”.   Not quite like “Beasley’s” another place that specializes in this Southern cuisine.. but “Dames” has smears.  These smears are just these amazing enriched flavored butters.     There were so many options and it was very good.   I could go back again.   We Redboxed a movie “The Passengers” and though the story was pretty weird in a sad and creepy way  Chris Pratt’s butt was possibly the highlight of the entire movie.

I got to see one of my best friends who has been around me thick and thin for brunch the next day.    Zack told me that I looked great.   We caught up finally on the after math of months before the break up and up to date.   His disbelieving and anger was something that I never saw in him before.  Especially when I told him about the engagement ring purchase.  However,  I still have that numbness and just confusion floating around me.   I am hurt but is just another insecurity.   And though I should never compare anyone to what other has done to me in the past I now have an irrational fear that I will only get played with and not settle..  That spiritual connection that no one really talks of  and maybe there is a reason for that, certain people are just destined to be alone.

After brunch, I got home to find the pool open.   I grabbed my suit and set off to soak up the sun.   I however soaked it up too much.    I got burnt.  Like, holy shit, these lines are bad and walking is physically and exhaustively painful.

2 days later;  I am going to work and class with no bra on because of how unconformable I am and popping IB Profin like its candy.   (I hate pills)   I have a life that won’t pay for itself and rent that is beyond my control and tuition that is just building, but cutting corners and scraping hours everywhere I can get.. I will sleep when I die has been this term’s motto.

2 weeks left.   I dropped one class, I have failed out another and I have my Lab that I am desperately holding onto with B+.  Needless to say this will be the first term I have not made the honor roll or dean’s list.   It hurts, but I know that with everything I have gone through, this was the hardest term I have ever had emotionally loosing myself.  I have accepted that I will now not be graduating on time with my 2 other girls, but its ok.    I am focusing on me.   I am proud that I have survived even if making it out of a Lab alive.

Here I am tonight.   Still burnt,  but my chest has started to have the glimmer of peeling.  I have peeled 50 pounds of potatoes night,  braised 25 pounds of pork bellies, and made 2 quarts of Asian BBQ sauce.

I am tired, but not.   Life is still moving.  I am now just caught up in the flowing current.

what I know I want

Discovering and uncovering and exploring the inner deepest desires.

I want the marriage.   I want the babies to grow up to be children and then adults.   I want the romance.   I want the raw rough and sometimes gentle sex.   I want the morning coffee and the occasional drunk cigarette.   I want my hair to be stroked and moved out of my face after I have tried millions of times to do it myself.   I want long kisses as well as the short simple hello kisses.   I want the hand holding and sometimes a discreetly butt grab to keep me on my toes.   I want the kneeling down to put a band aid on my newly blister heal from walking all day.   I want movie night where there are discussions about it and understand if there is Chris Pratt bare bottom involved I am going to most likely try to own it for that reason.   P.s  you see this amazing butt Twice!!! in “The Passengers”.  I want to feel excitement everywhere I go with you.

I want to be able to look in your eyes and see something.  I want to be dressed in a blanket and my back stroked because I am always cold.  To be called exceptionally beautiful after all the make up is off and its just me.

I want to be open and I don’t want to hide myself.    I want to trust.   I want to love and feel it from the other side.

I want truth.

Instructor dream

So I had an erotic dream of my current Instructor from class.   Like she is pretty cool,  and yes I am attracted to her personality like 85%.   I might be looking into a bit much, but there might be some very light flirting going on.  We have the same humor which is a plus and she is kind of a domineering and know what she likes which is cool.   However I haven’t had a lady dream in forever and it was kinda nice in away but also super surprising of whom it was with.

I am way too picky about girls anyways and I had many crushes but that’s all they were.  I have had a couple of girls I’ve let in and only one I felt compatible with, but it never worked out where we could be able to give an actual relationship a chance.   We still talk and here and there.  I think of her often and she has seen me through my last bit of relationship struggles.

But yeah,  that happened.   Stupid dreams.

Children of Easter

The strain on my heart to have a future seems ever so much more distant.   I went on a road trip to see a friend of 17 years.   Her first born turned a year old.   None of her family really knew who I was.  I felt like an outcast but through the child’s eyes; she was hesitant but waddled her way and sat in my lap for a brief moment before it was nap time.   I felt a warmth in my heart that blossomed more of a desire to have a family of my own.   I know it’s hard work but despite everything and all the darkness I have encountered in my life,  my soul still wants to have a family with or without a partner in my life.    The day of Easter  I played with a 7 year old.   She was giggly and smart and sweet and her laughter filled me with more joy and her parents that are another set of good friends that I envy.  I left to come home to my cat.   The love and affection I get is just enough for me to get out of bed every morning.  There is still a very empty space that resides in me.   The deeper I look into it, the more I am discovering that it is a an endless rabbit hole with twists and turns.

The transitioning

My body and soul.  They are changing in ways that could only be positive.   The demon has fallen back into a dark alley, no longer can I see her.  She still lingers when I eat food or even have an uneasy feeling but it passes quickly when I am near a friend.   I no longer do things for others no matter how I much I want to be included in their lives.   I am focusing on me.    The people that want me, know me better and has allowed me to design a mapped out life for myself.   Some choices may change through out, but my journey only has one destination.   West.   I am not going to lie, I deep down hope someone will follow me, but understand that I am doing this for myself now and not holding back.   For someone to follow, I hope they keep in mind that this is a mutual thing.   They must be willing to try new experiences with me and though my life is work orientated they are by no mean leashed to me because I want to leave.   This journey will most likely be done alone and when the time comes I will have to accept it as I am only getting closer to my closure of this transition.   I want to be loved like any other person and I want to love someone enough to understand that there is no turning back.   I know myself, I know my goals, I know my desires.

Counting my blessings

I am beyond blessed with the people I meet in my life, there will always be the ones that comes and goes, leaving holes and scars behind. Nothing will compare to the ones that see the wounds and all they want to do is nurture you back to health and love you beyond any comprehension till you can accept yourself again.

I went out this past weekend.   I worked hard and I played harder.

I have met and kinda reunited with a few people in 2 days.  I have been out of the loop of friends sense the break up.   I focused on myself.   I went to class and work.  Tonight I went to a favorite bar of a group of mine that a band plays frequently.  I basically reconnected with the leader of it, then out of nowhere a weekender classmate caught me off guard and introduced himself out of the blue.  Then this;  this past week I was approached to grab a drink with a gentleman and I actually accepted it.  Who is this person I am becoming?  I have reached a certain level of calm this past week.  I know still deep down that I am not ready for anything.   I know I am not ready to trust, but it should not limit me from allowing others to see me.  Certain parts of me feels ruined but other parts of me is growing apart and branching out.   These branches are reaching for a brighter spot in the gloom and fog.   The roots though running deep only holds me up taller than before.

Whatever comes of this I don’t know,  I know right now that I am looking at my birthday dress hanging in front me looking like a sign of a new decade a new change, new freedom, new experiences and new friendships.   My blessings are hitting higher numbers.