Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

These past days

Has been a complete roller coaster..   I am in my finals this week and then I am bouncing into another term.. once again there is no rest.   My birthday,  its officailly under 10 days.   My dress still hangs, the shoes are out and my thoughts of are trying to be present and realistic.

The new home hunt has been challenging.    I just wish I could be alone..  I still need the acceptance of loneliness without roommates or family.   He still looms in my head, even after a date I had.   I allowed myself to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.   Chris Pratt, Dream boat.. the Music once again amazing.   Just over all great movie.

I have been researching tiny homes again.    Its under stronger consideration.   I think Eleanor and myself could get down with it.   Everyday I am thankful for my cat.   She wakes me up and although she is make me grumpy in the morning  I have start of my day and even with grumpiness a feeling.   My numbness is dissipating.   Tonight I started a project that I should have started a long time ago and that was paining my dresser.   I did one drawer and it looks pretty alright.   Each night I plan to do another drawer.

My tattoo is almost completely healed and I am nearly ready for another.

I am have been playing with Aaron Roberts more.   I have learned few new songs.   Its not good enough to sing in front of people or even my musician friend.  I am still ashamed of my voice.   I am rambling now..

 

My First song I have learned.

My first song I learned was “can’t help falling in love with you”   by the King on the Ukulele.

However its TOP cover which made the chords easier for me to learn.   I haven’t played it for anyone but Eleanor.   I spent yesterday just playing it over and over and over, occasionally switching it up to other songs but ultimately that is my song now.   Each day I am practicing more and actually singing and I laugh at myself with how bad I am.  Yet also slightly impress that I can do it.  I realized that the songs on my list are a bit harder than I thought, but hell.  I have only had this instrument for over a month now.  I am more excited to start really branch out to a more jazzy tune of ” Lie vie en rose”.   The chords are not bad from what I found on a phone app.    I am starting to be able to put the music and words together, but still have horrible rhythm.

I even thought of a name for him.   Aaron Roberts.

Its a combination of Middle names from 2 artist that I like that goes in with the present day and days of the past.

I’ll see if it sticks.

Speaking of music

Lord “Green Light”

All those rumors, they have big teeth
Oh, they bite you
Thought you said that you would always be in love
But you’re not in love no more
Did it frighten you
How we kissed when we danced on the light up floor?
On the light up floor
But I hear sounds in my mind
Brand new sounds in my mind
But honey I’ll be seein’ you, ever, I go
But honey I’ll be seein’ you down every road
I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it

 

I love this song.   It has been on repeat in my head.  The beat, the lyrics, the video, the entirety of it.    I really enjoy and what its doing for my soul right now.

It’s amazing how life is so temporary.

Adding to list songs learn.   

Polaroid- Imagine Dragons

Green light- Lord

My first Lesson in Music and Life

My first Ukulele lesson was good.

My friend came to the apartment and brought me a book.   He gave me homework to do and reading.   I understand the tuning and some strumming.   I am learning the C chord, F and G.  The transitioning between them is going to be tricky.    It was relaxing and I was actually pretty happy with what I was doing.

My life revolving around work, school and mostly friends right now has been a increasing my levels of being positive.  I still feel extremely guarded of my heart.   I am afraid to even conceive a thought of putting myself out there that wasn’t a business transaction or even just trying to know someone.

After my lesson,  I went outside for the first time today.  The sun was warm on my face.   I could breathe today.    I went out and my energy drinks were on sale.  I can start my stock pile.   I got a little snack also from the store and a protein smoothy drink.    Its still no where near what I would be eating, but its something.  I keep telling myself that.    Its something,  Just a little more each day.

I need to focus,  I need to live.

10.5 hours

Today I went into work still drunk from the night before.

I did in fact have a good time, but I was reckless and drove home.   My musician friend and his wife are some amazing people and I envy what they have.  Last night,  He bought me a cigar and I sipped on a moscow mule.   It was spicy, tart and had that hard bite of vodka.   We sat around talking and the relationship subject was open.   They understood that it wasn’t out of a malicious content from what I could explain or even knew for that matter.   They actually kinda applauded that he was better off in his world or discovering it himself.   Never changed the fact that it was still a shitty feeling of giving your all and not having the ability to receive it back.   The amount of pain that I struggle on a day to day basis.   They reassured me calmness will approach me and with the little friends my musician trusts, I am in the small handful of people he has.

He said that I am one of a kind, someone special.   He also said that hates moving things,  mostly couches.. but for me he would move my couch over and over and over again.

The musician was also one of the people to help us move into my empty space now.   He is going to be the one to help me move out of this empty shell.

You can’t find friends like that.    You can friends that you get hammered with,  play games with, go see shows with or even crash on the couch with.. but this friendship goes beyond that point to where he has inducted me into his family.   He daughter knows me, his wife is planning to steal me from him.  They will feed me if I am hungry, call them at 3am if I need too, teach me music lessons,  hold heart felt conversations.   I envy them.

I drove home drunk.   I got into bed and passed out.   Eleanor woke me up and truly she is the only motivation I have to take care of anything that is in this shell of broken memories.   She licked my cheek, climbed on my back and when I kicked her off she bounce right back on. Puurrr Purrr in my hear.  I got up.   I fed her, I put clothes on and went to work.   Still drunk from the night before, I got to work I chugged a propel water, normal water and coffee to sober up quickly for my long day.  A hangover loomed over my head, but I pushed and pushed.   10.5 hours later my day is finally done.  I did my job solo today.   My partner at work went to watch the hockey game with her friends.   I was in control and though I was a mess with headache and body pains.   I did it.

I am home now, soaked in the tub with only 1 last bath bomb left to use.   Ironically it was called “Restore”.   I laid there.   I had my laptop on a tiny table and watched “Last man on earth”.

I haven’t cried in 2 days.   I have eaten a little more today, but boy did hurt my stomach.   Nothing has been agreeing with it lately.  It’s sharp pains as soon as I finish a snack size portion and then what I could only describe as a mudslide shortly follows.   I have lost more weight.   My stomach though still a little curvy is significantly smaller.   I am starting to feel more rib bones in my back than I used too and I cannot get comfortable in bed.

It’s weird how my weight loss happens, my upper body is affected way more than say my legs or butt.   my waist is smaller, I had to put a 2 hole in my belt last week.

10.5 hours.  What a long day.  I can relax with “bob’s burgers” catch up till I fall asleep.