Paranoid affect.

Thinking the world is against me,  I started my period today.   My body has finally caved in and I ate a small amount of pasta.   I still ended up going to the bathroom 5 times out of the day because of my digestion was upset at me.  I am not bulimic, there was no vomiting.  I fucking hate vomiting.   I really need to take time this next week to try and relax  because now that I am on my period, the crazy paranoid person is surely to show her face.   It has been bad before, but the intense wonder if he was telling me the truth or just sparing me..

Oh god it starts.

I want him to be happy though.   I am not happy though.   I need to be happy though.   I need to want to be happy though.   I wish I could see my friends more.   I wish my phone wasn’t my friend.   I wish I could go out more..  But I chose school and work being full time at both.  I used to remind myself it’s all temporary..  But this form of loneliness be excluded from everyone’s lives is sad.   This is why he left me.  Maybe it’s for the best.  If no one can handle me trying my best, then no one deserves me?  I think that is stupid.

I am completely rambling now..

My mind is everywhere.

I love him.  He needs to not be around you though.   I miss him entirely everyday.. He’s going to find someone else and you know it.   I should just go hide in a cave..  You are already doing it.  Its called your apartment.  I know.   Please move on brain,  just turn off and drift.   Feeling all these things at the same time is not good you.   Just shut off, till you forget..  But I won’t,  eventually it will just be a dull spot in your head.  You are crazy and you let someone in to see your crazy and the amount of crazy that could be the problem.   He is doing you a favor in the long run.   Don’t trust with your heart.

Fuck you demons and inner monologue.   I hate you.