in 2 hours

In 2 hours I take my last exam

In 2 hours I finish my hardest Term

In 2 hours I survived the hardest 10 weeks

In 2 hours I will have set a standard for myself to fight harder and let no one ever distract me again

In 2 hours I change my course in my life

In 2 hours I choose myself over anyone else

In 2 hours I will love myself harder

In 2 hours I will have some hard drinks

In 2 hours I will clean my memories

In 2 hours I will accept that I am doing it alone

In 2 hours I will still be alone after this final victory.

In 2 hours I will crawl into bed and not cry

In 2 hours I will learn to be proud of myself

In 2 hours although I know I hurt and this weight will be lifted I still trying to pull through the hate and disgust I have for myself for working so hard on a dream that I don’t know I can fulfill on my journey to the west.

In 110mins..

I am scared I’ll never be truely happy.

Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

Flow of my life

It feels very inexcusable to not be talking to the great beyond.    Does this mean that I have finally moved past a point?   No? ok..

Well in the past 3 days  things happened.   I went to the Natural Science Museum in Durham with a friend and I fell in love with the dinosaur trail and the butterfly bio dome.    It was however at the peak of this spring weather of 92 degrees out.   After the Museum we got Chicken’n waffles at this little joint called “Dames”.   Not quite like “Beasley’s” another place that specializes in this Southern cuisine.. but “Dames” has smears.  These smears are just these amazing enriched flavored butters.     There were so many options and it was very good.   I could go back again.   We Redboxed a movie “The Passengers” and though the story was pretty weird in a sad and creepy way  Chris Pratt’s butt was possibly the highlight of the entire movie.

I got to see one of my best friends who has been around me thick and thin for brunch the next day.    Zack told me that I looked great.   We caught up finally on the after math of months before the break up and up to date.   His disbelieving and anger was something that I never saw in him before.  Especially when I told him about the engagement ring purchase.  However,  I still have that numbness and just confusion floating around me.   I am hurt but is just another insecurity.   And though I should never compare anyone to what other has done to me in the past I now have an irrational fear that I will only get played with and not settle..  That spiritual connection that no one really talks of  and maybe there is a reason for that, certain people are just destined to be alone.

After brunch, I got home to find the pool open.   I grabbed my suit and set off to soak up the sun.   I however soaked it up too much.    I got burnt.  Like, holy shit, these lines are bad and walking is physically and exhaustively painful.

2 days later;  I am going to work and class with no bra on because of how unconformable I am and popping IB Profin like its candy.   (I hate pills)   I have a life that won’t pay for itself and rent that is beyond my control and tuition that is just building, but cutting corners and scraping hours everywhere I can get.. I will sleep when I die has been this term’s motto.

2 weeks left.   I dropped one class, I have failed out another and I have my Lab that I am desperately holding onto with B+.  Needless to say this will be the first term I have not made the honor roll or dean’s list.   It hurts, but I know that with everything I have gone through, this was the hardest term I have ever had emotionally loosing myself.  I have accepted that I will now not be graduating on time with my 2 other girls, but its ok.    I am focusing on me.   I am proud that I have survived even if making it out of a Lab alive.

Here I am tonight.   Still burnt,  but my chest has started to have the glimmer of peeling.  I have peeled 50 pounds of potatoes night,  braised 25 pounds of pork bellies, and made 2 quarts of Asian BBQ sauce.

I am tired, but not.   Life is still moving.  I am now just caught up in the flowing current.

what I know I want

Discovering and uncovering and exploring the inner deepest desires.

I want the marriage.   I want the babies to grow up to be children and then adults.   I want the romance.   I want the raw rough and sometimes gentle sex.   I want the morning coffee and the occasional drunk cigarette.   I want my hair to be stroked and moved out of my face after I have tried millions of times to do it myself.   I want long kisses as well as the short simple hello kisses.   I want the hand holding and sometimes a discreetly butt grab to keep me on my toes.   I want the kneeling down to put a band aid on my newly blister heal from walking all day.   I want movie night where there are discussions about it and understand if there is Chris Pratt bare bottom involved I am going to most likely try to own it for that reason.   P.s  you see this amazing butt Twice!!! in “The Passengers”.  I want to feel excitement everywhere I go with you.

I want to be able to look in your eyes and see something.  I want to be dressed in a blanket and my back stroked because I am always cold.  To be called exceptionally beautiful after all the make up is off and its just me.

I want to be open and I don’t want to hide myself.    I want to trust.   I want to love and feel it from the other side.

I want truth.

Instructor dream

So I had an erotic dream of my current Instructor from class.   Like she is pretty cool,  and yes I am attracted to her personality like 85%.   I might be looking into a bit much, but there might be some very light flirting going on.  We have the same humor which is a plus and she is kind of a domineering and know what she likes which is cool.   However I haven’t had a lady dream in forever and it was kinda nice in away but also super surprising of whom it was with.

I am way too picky about girls anyways and I had many crushes but that’s all they were.  I have had a couple of girls I’ve let in and only one I felt compatible with, but it never worked out where we could be able to give an actual relationship a chance.   We still talk and here and there.  I think of her often and she has seen me through my last bit of relationship struggles.

But yeah,  that happened.   Stupid dreams.

Coffee and Rain.

Every day I wake up at 8:30-9:00 am now,  not willing too.   I have a starving cat now.   She has never been fed in her life and totally not spoiled.

The Rain has made her crazy and I am at relaxed level.    My bed is warm and empty with my Lab top as my companion.   Today, I’ll do laundry, drink coffee and shower.

Days like this is something I that enjoy.   I can close my eyes and I am out west.   The air is a little more brinier and the sound of traffic is more prominent.   I picture myself with a porch,  Coffee and the Seattle Rain.   I am wrapped up in a blanket and Eleanor is just hanging out in the window waiting for me to come back in.   I have a single morning cigarette to start my day, but it’s just the one.

The sign of a second companion is just rustling in the dwelling.  A faceless person, but I know it’s someone that I could love one day.

Simple wishes and simple dreams from East to going to the West.

Milk, cheese and cat food

Another week down.   I went to Walmart after class to pick up a handful of things.   I was wearing my uniform from class,  I walked like the dead.   Brain dead after sociology.   I realized that most of everything I thought I knew of what I think I need in my life is extremely trivial and temperamental.

I want happiness, but it’s only in the things that I choose to love.  Food.   I choose to love food and feeding people.   I choose to love my cat, even though she destroys nice things.   I want peace, but only when I feel like I can breathe on a day of no obligations.   I haven’t had one of those days.   I am always somewhere doing something.  I want acceptance, but only on my terms that I have be alone in my own skin and mind.  I want to feel love..  but all I feel is just rejection.  Every.. day,  I wake up, open my eyes and listen to my first alert breath of each day.

I stand in line waiting.   My eyes catch the tabloids as follows:  “Angelina’s secret life”,  “Hillary the Russian Spy”,  “Time; WW2” and “Trumps war on dictators”.

Send me.  Send me to fight for something good.  Let me feel something other than internal pain.  I don’t want to come back.  I volunteer.

But I am just here for Milk, cheese and cat food.