We are just not compatible.

Being back in the dating circuit I have had 2 failed attempts.

The blue eyed nurse for starters.   The world does not revolve around him and neither do I.   There was too much child like tendencies that over all did not mesh well.  Even through the loss of a friend and saying that I would not be available because of it,  he still claims to be left in the dark.  How?   Done.

Another fail.   Matching wits with a gorgeous half Japanese guy,  we could talk till the bars shut down and only just skimming the surface of politics that I never talk about with people, our life goals in the next 5 years that consist of marriage, a mortgage, kids, sports, beer, the weather, music, animals..  Physically; he is amazing.. Dark skinned, very fit and knows how to take care of himself.   But its my chosen profession that is the problem and that yes I plan to move away in exactly a year.   He words are that he just doesn’t see it being compatible enough.     The demanding job strikes again ruining a potential interest.   That was disappointing.

I am not heartbroken about either one of these guys.   But sometimes I still want to find a reason to stay and it just lingers in the back of my head.

to be in love, but life is cruel.

I watched and cried for a friend.  Her love whom she was marrying this month died next her yesterday morning.    I watched her relationship bloom early this year as mine disappeared and just like that he was gone from this world.  He died in his sleep next to her.  Her heart aches.   I and ache watching her suffer with so many unanswered questions.

This world is cruel.    My breakups are trivial.   Nothing matters when the real love is gone from this earth and seeing that love in a person and ripped away by death.  I can only sit there, love her in my way and hold her and catch her tears.  I want to absorb all her pain so she can only have that beautiful memories of him.   I know baby,  You just want to have a phone call of his voice saying that he is ok, he is only going to be sick for awhile.   I know.    I know that he is gone and I am not him.   We as a family will love him in our memories and will cherish the thought of every part of his existent.    He chose you, Helen.     He chose to love you and even when taken from this earth he will love you after.   You maybe physically alone, but his heart is still with yours.   Please breathe.

charged day

I woke up with chest pains.    My left hand went numb.   I didn’t move from bed till 11:30am.    I just laid there waiting for whatever it was to pass.  I couldn’t tell someone I was hurting.   I have been fighting the urge to cry.

Today I started packing up my apartment to move.   Everything I touched I remember how I wanted to make a home out of this place.  Now its becoming an empty shell.

Over the past couple of months I am that empty shell.

My dreams have now altered to fit my loneliness.  I have been pushed into a fight to get my life out of this state.  I don’t belong here.   I am 30 years old and I don’t belong here.

Today I blocked another person from my life, because they lied to me and was caught.

Releasing the toxicity is draining me, but I have to know that when this poison is gone I can recharge myself.

Drunk phone call

I am very certain my friend was drunk on something.   Or maybe he was high?

Let me give you the run down.   In 2007 I moved to a small mountain town.    It was new years and I was 20 years old.  I met Dave.   He was painfully shy around me.   I was in 2 relationships the entire time we have know each other up to this day.

Dave served in the Army.   I have the most respect for soldiers and veterans.   Being a military bratt and both parents that are veterans  I am very proud to know the people I do and when they are down I am I try to let them know that I am here and you are loved and missed.   Dave has had a very rocky adventure sense his last tour.   He is struggled to find stability is this crazy world.  He would message me every once in awhile and we would catch up.   He always complained about a girl he was seeing.

Tonight was different.   Its been 10 years of knowing him and maybe 5 years of hearing his voice first the first time tonight.

He made a confession to me tonight.    5 Hours apart, he confesses that he has feelings for me.   Sense the day he met me and how utterly scared he was to even talk to me.   I question this entire conversation because his words were slurred.  He sounded tired and sad.   He sounded desperate for affection.   10 years and I couldn’t return it.

I really hope he wasn’t sober.   Should I call him tomorrow to check up on him?

I just can’t trust.   I can’t let anyone in yet to see me.  I can’t let this man feel my hurt.

 

 

The one Picture of us.

I looked at it like 10 times today.  I looked at the details, where our hands are, if they are squeezing with passion.  The position of our heads.  I could only reach the top of your chest.  Your head though cocked away, your chin still touches my forehead.   I am in mid laugh and honestly I am though an ugly crier I just look horrific in the middle of laughing.  I am trying to figure out of your expression.

I can’t tell.  I can’t translated it.  It could just be a terrible picture of both of us.

But it was our first.

 

When is it ok?

I am learning to love myself even more with the new age.  I have told myself that I need to be 100% honest.   But everyday I ask myself when is it ok?

When is ok to love someone?  Or even if I do ever again, when will it be ok to trust they will give the amount received back?  When I love, I love with everything I have and I will only give my very soul.

 

I officially made it to 30

I feel amazing.

I don’t know what snapped in me, but I have been playing music (only for Eleanor),  I wore my beautiful Sliver dress and felt seen and noticed.  I feel good to be in my skin for once and when I wasn’t even thinking of anything or anyone, a mystery fell into my lap.  This mystery has deep blue eyes and has been stealing my attention for the a number of weekends.

I am in the best shape I have been in the longest time and gained back about 4 lbs.  I am enjoying my classes again and I love my job and the funky people I work with.

What is this high?  I am still struggling with money and the apartment hunt has continued to be a changeling but I can finally say that I feel content that I will figure this out.

I haven’t written everyday like I should.  I’d hate to only keep this as a negative outlet.   So as the beginning of 30’s and ending the 20’s.   I will continue to be a hopeless romantic.   I will dream of one day feeling deep love in my heart and soul and not be guarded because people hurt me.   The next person to jump into my life could be what I am asking for or not.. but I should never place judgement that they will only hurt me like all the others.

I will cook with my heart and I will love with my soul.

I officially made it my 30’s.