in 2 hours

In 2 hours I take my last exam

In 2 hours I finish my hardest Term

In 2 hours I survived the hardest 10 weeks

In 2 hours I will have set a standard for myself to fight harder and let no one ever distract me again

In 2 hours I change my course in my life

In 2 hours I choose myself over anyone else

In 2 hours I will love myself harder

In 2 hours I will have some hard drinks

In 2 hours I will clean my memories

In 2 hours I will accept that I am doing it alone

In 2 hours I will still be alone after this final victory.

In 2 hours I will crawl into bed and not cry

In 2 hours I will learn to be proud of myself

In 2 hours although I know I hurt and this weight will be lifted I still trying to pull through the hate and disgust I have for myself for working so hard on a dream that I don’t know I can fulfill on my journey to the west.

In 110mins..

I am scared I’ll never be truely happy.

Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

These past days

Has been a complete roller coaster..   I am in my finals this week and then I am bouncing into another term.. once again there is no rest.   My birthday,  its officailly under 10 days.   My dress still hangs, the shoes are out and my thoughts of are trying to be present and realistic.

The new home hunt has been challenging.    I just wish I could be alone..  I still need the acceptance of loneliness without roommates or family.   He still looms in my head, even after a date I had.   I allowed myself to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.   Chris Pratt, Dream boat.. the Music once again amazing.   Just over all great movie.

I have been researching tiny homes again.    Its under stronger consideration.   I think Eleanor and myself could get down with it.   Everyday I am thankful for my cat.   She wakes me up and although she is make me grumpy in the morning  I have start of my day and even with grumpiness a feeling.   My numbness is dissipating.   Tonight I started a project that I should have started a long time ago and that was paining my dresser.   I did one drawer and it looks pretty alright.   Each night I plan to do another drawer.

My tattoo is almost completely healed and I am nearly ready for another.

I am have been playing with Aaron Roberts more.   I have learned few new songs.   Its not good enough to sing in front of people or even my musician friend.  I am still ashamed of my voice.   I am rambling now..

 

Flow of my life

It feels very inexcusable to not be talking to the great beyond.    Does this mean that I have finally moved past a point?   No? ok..

Well in the past 3 days  things happened.   I went to the Natural Science Museum in Durham with a friend and I fell in love with the dinosaur trail and the butterfly bio dome.    It was however at the peak of this spring weather of 92 degrees out.   After the Museum we got Chicken’n waffles at this little joint called “Dames”.   Not quite like “Beasley’s” another place that specializes in this Southern cuisine.. but “Dames” has smears.  These smears are just these amazing enriched flavored butters.     There were so many options and it was very good.   I could go back again.   We Redboxed a movie “The Passengers” and though the story was pretty weird in a sad and creepy way  Chris Pratt’s butt was possibly the highlight of the entire movie.

I got to see one of my best friends who has been around me thick and thin for brunch the next day.    Zack told me that I looked great.   We caught up finally on the after math of months before the break up and up to date.   His disbelieving and anger was something that I never saw in him before.  Especially when I told him about the engagement ring purchase.  However,  I still have that numbness and just confusion floating around me.   I am hurt but is just another insecurity.   And though I should never compare anyone to what other has done to me in the past I now have an irrational fear that I will only get played with and not settle..  That spiritual connection that no one really talks of  and maybe there is a reason for that, certain people are just destined to be alone.

After brunch, I got home to find the pool open.   I grabbed my suit and set off to soak up the sun.   I however soaked it up too much.    I got burnt.  Like, holy shit, these lines are bad and walking is physically and exhaustively painful.

2 days later;  I am going to work and class with no bra on because of how unconformable I am and popping IB Profin like its candy.   (I hate pills)   I have a life that won’t pay for itself and rent that is beyond my control and tuition that is just building, but cutting corners and scraping hours everywhere I can get.. I will sleep when I die has been this term’s motto.

2 weeks left.   I dropped one class, I have failed out another and I have my Lab that I am desperately holding onto with B+.  Needless to say this will be the first term I have not made the honor roll or dean’s list.   It hurts, but I know that with everything I have gone through, this was the hardest term I have ever had emotionally loosing myself.  I have accepted that I will now not be graduating on time with my 2 other girls, but its ok.    I am focusing on me.   I am proud that I have survived even if making it out of a Lab alive.

Here I am tonight.   Still burnt,  but my chest has started to have the glimmer of peeling.  I have peeled 50 pounds of potatoes night,  braised 25 pounds of pork bellies, and made 2 quarts of Asian BBQ sauce.

I am tired, but not.   Life is still moving.  I am now just caught up in the flowing current.

I feel the darkness

There has been so many days where I am been good and better, but then there are the more moments through out a day where a shadow creeps upon me.   I have not recovered from one of my classes and I was approached yesterday to not give up and fight for my grades when every day I am exhausted from pulling extra hours for bigger pay checks.   Financial Aid has contacted me because of my inability to make monthly payments and is putting next term in a compromising position till I make a large sum deposit.   Then on top of that of my expensive rent and my car repairs.    The anxiety of taking on too much now is catching up.  I must choose education over Shelter.. Sadly I choose shelter,  I must choose the 30$ a day to put towards my car to get to work and back than food for myself.

This Shadow hovers over me and its cold breathing on my neck.   I am tired all the time but I continue to not sleep well.

The transitioning

My body and soul.  They are changing in ways that could only be positive.   The demon has fallen back into a dark alley, no longer can I see her.  She still lingers when I eat food or even have an uneasy feeling but it passes quickly when I am near a friend.   I no longer do things for others no matter how I much I want to be included in their lives.   I am focusing on me.    The people that want me, know me better and has allowed me to design a mapped out life for myself.   Some choices may change through out, but my journey only has one destination.   West.   I am not going to lie, I deep down hope someone will follow me, but understand that I am doing this for myself now and not holding back.   For someone to follow, I hope they keep in mind that this is a mutual thing.   They must be willing to try new experiences with me and though my life is work orientated they are by no mean leashed to me because I want to leave.   This journey will most likely be done alone and when the time comes I will have to accept it as I am only getting closer to my closure of this transition.   I want to be loved like any other person and I want to love someone enough to understand that there is no turning back.   I know myself, I know my goals, I know my desires.

Counting my blessings

I am beyond blessed with the people I meet in my life, there will always be the ones that comes and goes, leaving holes and scars behind. Nothing will compare to the ones that see the wounds and all they want to do is nurture you back to health and love you beyond any comprehension till you can accept yourself again.

I went out this past weekend.   I worked hard and I played harder.

I have met and kinda reunited with a few people in 2 days.  I have been out of the loop of friends sense the break up.   I focused on myself.   I went to class and work.  Tonight I went to a favorite bar of a group of mine that a band plays frequently.  I basically reconnected with the leader of it, then out of nowhere a weekender classmate caught me off guard and introduced himself out of the blue.  Then this;  this past week I was approached to grab a drink with a gentleman and I actually accepted it.  Who is this person I am becoming?  I have reached a certain level of calm this past week.  I know still deep down that I am not ready for anything.   I know I am not ready to trust, but it should not limit me from allowing others to see me.  Certain parts of me feels ruined but other parts of me is growing apart and branching out.   These branches are reaching for a brighter spot in the gloom and fog.   The roots though running deep only holds me up taller than before.

Whatever comes of this I don’t know,  I know right now that I am looking at my birthday dress hanging in front me looking like a sign of a new decade a new change, new freedom, new experiences and new friendships.   My blessings are hitting higher numbers.