Every day I wake up at 8:30-9:00 am now, not willing too. I have a starving cat now. She has never been fed in her life and totally not spoiled.
The Rain has made her crazy and I am at relaxed level. My bed is warm and empty with my Lab top as my companion. Today, I’ll do laundry, drink coffee and shower.
Days like this is something I that enjoy. I can close my eyes and I am out west. The air is a little more brinier and the sound of traffic is more prominent. I picture myself with a porch, Coffee and the Seattle Rain. I am wrapped up in a blanket and Eleanor is just hanging out in the window waiting for me to come back in. I have a single morning cigarette to start my day, but it’s just the one.
The sign of a second companion is just rustling in the dwelling. A faceless person, but I know it’s someone that I could love one day.
Simple wishes and simple dreams from East to going to the West.
Another week down. I went to Walmart after class to pick up a handful of things. I was wearing my uniform from class, I walked like the dead. Brain dead after sociology. I realized that most of everything I thought I knew of what I think I need in my life is extremely trivial and temperamental.
I want happiness, but it’s only in the things that I choose to love. Food. I choose to love food and feeding people. I choose to love my cat, even though she destroys nice things. I want peace, but only when I feel like I can breathe on a day of no obligations. I haven’t had one of those days. I am always somewhere doing something. I want acceptance, but only on my terms that I have be alone in my own skin and mind. I want to feel love.. but all I feel is just rejection. Every.. day, I wake up, open my eyes and listen to my first alert breath of each day.
I stand in line waiting. My eyes catch the tabloids as follows: “Angelina’s secret life”, “Hillary the Russian Spy”, “Time; WW2” and “Trumps war on dictators”.
Send me. Send me to fight for something good. Let me feel something other than internal pain. I don’t want to come back. I volunteer.
But I am just here for Milk, cheese and cat food.
There has been so many days where I am been good and better, but then there are the more moments through out a day where a shadow creeps upon me. I have not recovered from one of my classes and I was approached yesterday to not give up and fight for my grades when every day I am exhausted from pulling extra hours for bigger pay checks. Financial Aid has contacted me because of my inability to make monthly payments and is putting next term in a compromising position till I make a large sum deposit. Then on top of that of my expensive rent and my car repairs. The anxiety of taking on too much now is catching up. I must choose education over Shelter.. Sadly I choose shelter, I must choose the 30$ a day to put towards my car to get to work and back than food for myself.
This Shadow hovers over me and its cold breathing on my neck. I am tired all the time but I continue to not sleep well.
My first song I learned was “can’t help falling in love with you” by the King on the Ukulele.
However its TOP cover which made the chords easier for me to learn. I haven’t played it for anyone but Eleanor. I spent yesterday just playing it over and over and over, occasionally switching it up to other songs but ultimately that is my song now. Each day I am practicing more and actually singing and I laugh at myself with how bad I am. Yet also slightly impress that I can do it. I realized that the songs on my list are a bit harder than I thought, but hell. I have only had this instrument for over a month now. I am more excited to start really branch out to a more jazzy tune of ” Lie vie en rose”. The chords are not bad from what I found on a phone app. I am starting to be able to put the music and words together, but still have horrible rhythm.
I even thought of a name for him. Aaron Roberts.
Its a combination of Middle names from 2 artist that I like that goes in with the present day and days of the past.
I’ll see if it sticks.
The strain on my heart to have a future seems ever so much more distant. I went on a road trip to see a friend of 17 years. Her first born turned a year old. None of her family really knew who I was. I felt like an outcast but through the child’s eyes; she was hesitant but waddled her way and sat in my lap for a brief moment before it was nap time. I felt a warmth in my heart that blossomed more of a desire to have a family of my own. I know it’s hard work but despite everything and all the darkness I have encountered in my life, my soul still wants to have a family with or without a partner in my life. The day of Easter I played with a 7 year old. She was giggly and smart and sweet and her laughter filled me with more joy and her parents that are another set of good friends that I envy. I left to come home to my cat. The love and affection I get is just enough for me to get out of bed every morning. There is still a very empty space that resides in me. The deeper I look into it, the more I am discovering that it is a an endless rabbit hole with twists and turns.
I had no emotions today. After a few weeks I saw him. Last bit of things and mail was picked up. He actually talked to me on his own.. I didn’t cry. I was emptier and hollow. Echos of how much of an idiot I am just rang every time he said a complete sentence. There was no details of importance of the transactions of words.. I know nothing of his life, he knows nothing much of mine except if this gets read. Even then.. I don’t think that is even the case.
But I didn’t cry, I didn’t hate, I didn’t and I didn’t love.
I hate this feeling. I just killed someone that I was. I just sit in silence, numb.
My body and soul. They are changing in ways that could only be positive. The demon has fallen back into a dark alley, no longer can I see her. She still lingers when I eat food or even have an uneasy feeling but it passes quickly when I am near a friend. I no longer do things for others no matter how I much I want to be included in their lives. I am focusing on me. The people that want me, know me better and has allowed me to design a mapped out life for myself. Some choices may change through out, but my journey only has one destination. West. I am not going to lie, I deep down hope someone will follow me, but understand that I am doing this for myself now and not holding back. For someone to follow, I hope they keep in mind that this is a mutual thing. They must be willing to try new experiences with me and though my life is work orientated they are by no mean leashed to me because I want to leave. This journey will most likely be done alone and when the time comes I will have to accept it as I am only getting closer to my closure of this transition. I want to be loved like any other person and I want to love someone enough to understand that there is no turning back. I know myself, I know my goals, I know my desires.