Last week

This is the last week of my 4th term.

I just want it over now.   I have never wanted to be done so bad and start over and over and over until I can just not think anymore.   I am afraid I am losing my passion.   I can’t get myself down again.

I entered the final stages,  I deleted my twitter account because I kept getting emails of his status,  and of course I saw a picture of him..  it wasn’t flattering because I am positive he left me for the girl I am was suspicious of..   do you really touch tongues with friends?   Cheek to cheek?   yeah..   I feel gross inside.   Although I restricted my view of facebook, I unfriended him for good.   I no longer have a need to wonder due to taunting updates.   It’s done.

I turn 30 in a week.

Notes;   There is a male nurse that has taken a liking to me.   I don’t understand why?   I am at complete loss really.   He has seen me more without my makeup on because I have kinda given up,  seen me sun burnt to hell, makes fun of my horrible text grammar and I think he understands that I have been hurt beyond any kind of expression that I couldn’t even convey anymore.  Is this a cruel joke, world?   Seeing me try to recover but still struggling to open up then randomly throws a curve ball that this male nurse likes me?  Maybe it’s acceptance; I am having the hardest time right now.   Maybe I am good enough for the nurse?  I don’t know how to act around him now that there could be intention..  Who is myself?  Who am I?

Hi,  I have a cat named after a Beatles song, I have an obsession with dinosaurs so much that I now have a tattoo of one,  I am dedicated to my work more than relationships now and I plan to move as far away from here as possible in a little over 9 months.    I want to be loved but I am afraid now.

I am tired of feeling everything at once.   Happy briefly, then reminded that I am sad cause I still miss certain things, inquisitive nature in hopes for new adventure, lost in my own thoughts and lusting over an idea that I need whatever this is.

I have a tiny group of people that actively talk to me on a regular basis.   My music family friends that consist of a wife, husband and an 8 year old that is teaching me how to my play my ukulele; Aaron Roberts.  My best friend whom however has been doing a cross country road trip for the past month,  she sends me pictures of my dream city out west.   Then there is the male nurse.    He works just as hard as I do, understands long hours and just pure exhaustion.  He said something to me last week when I asked him what “this” is?  He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I didn’t know.   I am afraid to get close when I know I am leaving.  He responds in a way that is kinda comforting, calling me a sweetheart and the more we hangout that I he says that I am growing to be quite endearing..   (I had to look up what endearing meant).

Though I have this new friend,  I still feel alone.

These past days

Has been a complete roller coaster..   I am in my finals this week and then I am bouncing into another term.. once again there is no rest.   My birthday,  its officailly under 10 days.   My dress still hangs, the shoes are out and my thoughts of are trying to be present and realistic.

The new home hunt has been challenging.    I just wish I could be alone..  I still need the acceptance of loneliness without roommates or family.   He still looms in my head, even after a date I had.   I allowed myself to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.   Chris Pratt, Dream boat.. the Music once again amazing.   Just over all great movie.

I have been researching tiny homes again.    Its under stronger consideration.   I think Eleanor and myself could get down with it.   Everyday I am thankful for my cat.   She wakes me up and although she is make me grumpy in the morning  I have start of my day and even with grumpiness a feeling.   My numbness is dissipating.   Tonight I started a project that I should have started a long time ago and that was paining my dresser.   I did one drawer and it looks pretty alright.   Each night I plan to do another drawer.

My tattoo is almost completely healed and I am nearly ready for another.

I am have been playing with Aaron Roberts more.   I have learned few new songs.   Its not good enough to sing in front of people or even my musician friend.  I am still ashamed of my voice.   I am rambling now..

 

Fresh scares

After on hold of getting a tattoo and trying to be reserve on when the right time was.   I decided I to get one.   A new one.   Its been 6 years?    Trying to think clearly and the memory is kinda fuzzy.. but I am pretty sure it was when I was 24.   I spent money on myself for fun.   I spent money on myself for the sake of the fact that my vacuum has been dead for the past month and a half and replaced it.   But this fun tattoo has cured many elements of my sanity.   This will be my first visible tattoo that I will never hide from people.   Its small and frisky.    It’s modern and clean.   Its also a dinosaur.  It’s my favorite dinosaur and though the real one is not like the one in the Jurassic park movie; I chose the Jurassic park version.   I think I shall make it be a girl.

She covers my scar that I look at everyday.   She is looks delicate in her origami folds of tattooed paper and fierce with her up right stance and her gills waving about.   She is my protection of me from me.   I am proud of my dino tattoo.    I love my dino tattoo.

Happy early 30th birthday me.

Flow of my life

It feels very inexcusable to not be talking to the great beyond.    Does this mean that I have finally moved past a point?   No? ok..

Well in the past 3 days  things happened.   I went to the Natural Science Museum in Durham with a friend and I fell in love with the dinosaur trail and the butterfly bio dome.    It was however at the peak of this spring weather of 92 degrees out.   After the Museum we got Chicken’n waffles at this little joint called “Dames”.   Not quite like “Beasley’s” another place that specializes in this Southern cuisine.. but “Dames” has smears.  These smears are just these amazing enriched flavored butters.     There were so many options and it was very good.   I could go back again.   We Redboxed a movie “The Passengers” and though the story was pretty weird in a sad and creepy way  Chris Pratt’s butt was possibly the highlight of the entire movie.

I got to see one of my best friends who has been around me thick and thin for brunch the next day.    Zack told me that I looked great.   We caught up finally on the after math of months before the break up and up to date.   His disbelieving and anger was something that I never saw in him before.  Especially when I told him about the engagement ring purchase.  However,  I still have that numbness and just confusion floating around me.   I am hurt but is just another insecurity.   And though I should never compare anyone to what other has done to me in the past I now have an irrational fear that I will only get played with and not settle..  That spiritual connection that no one really talks of  and maybe there is a reason for that, certain people are just destined to be alone.

After brunch, I got home to find the pool open.   I grabbed my suit and set off to soak up the sun.   I however soaked it up too much.    I got burnt.  Like, holy shit, these lines are bad and walking is physically and exhaustively painful.

2 days later;  I am going to work and class with no bra on because of how unconformable I am and popping IB Profin like its candy.   (I hate pills)   I have a life that won’t pay for itself and rent that is beyond my control and tuition that is just building, but cutting corners and scraping hours everywhere I can get.. I will sleep when I die has been this term’s motto.

2 weeks left.   I dropped one class, I have failed out another and I have my Lab that I am desperately holding onto with B+.  Needless to say this will be the first term I have not made the honor roll or dean’s list.   It hurts, but I know that with everything I have gone through, this was the hardest term I have ever had emotionally loosing myself.  I have accepted that I will now not be graduating on time with my 2 other girls, but its ok.    I am focusing on me.   I am proud that I have survived even if making it out of a Lab alive.

Here I am tonight.   Still burnt,  but my chest has started to have the glimmer of peeling.  I have peeled 50 pounds of potatoes night,  braised 25 pounds of pork bellies, and made 2 quarts of Asian BBQ sauce.

I am tired, but not.   Life is still moving.  I am now just caught up in the flowing current.

what I know I want

Discovering and uncovering and exploring the inner deepest desires.

I want the marriage.   I want the babies to grow up to be children and then adults.   I want the romance.   I want the raw rough and sometimes gentle sex.   I want the morning coffee and the occasional drunk cigarette.   I want my hair to be stroked and moved out of my face after I have tried millions of times to do it myself.   I want long kisses as well as the short simple hello kisses.   I want the hand holding and sometimes a discreetly butt grab to keep me on my toes.   I want the kneeling down to put a band aid on my newly blister heal from walking all day.   I want movie night where there are discussions about it and understand if there is Chris Pratt bare bottom involved I am going to most likely try to own it for that reason.   P.s  you see this amazing butt Twice!!! in “The Passengers”.  I want to feel excitement everywhere I go with you.

I want to be able to look in your eyes and see something.  I want to be dressed in a blanket and my back stroked because I am always cold.  To be called exceptionally beautiful after all the make up is off and its just me.

I want to be open and I don’t want to hide myself.    I want to trust.   I want to love and feel it from the other side.

I want truth.

Instructor dream

So I had an erotic dream of my current Instructor from class.   Like she is pretty cool,  and yes I am attracted to her personality like 85%.   I might be looking into a bit much, but there might be some very light flirting going on.  We have the same humor which is a plus and she is kind of a domineering and know what she likes which is cool.   However I haven’t had a lady dream in forever and it was kinda nice in away but also super surprising of whom it was with.

I am way too picky about girls anyways and I had many crushes but that’s all they were.  I have had a couple of girls I’ve let in and only one I felt compatible with, but it never worked out where we could be able to give an actual relationship a chance.   We still talk and here and there.  I think of her often and she has seen me through my last bit of relationship struggles.

But yeah,  that happened.   Stupid dreams.

Coffee and Rain.

Every day I wake up at 8:30-9:00 am now,  not willing too.   I have a starving cat now.   She has never been fed in her life and totally not spoiled.

The Rain has made her crazy and I am at relaxed level.    My bed is warm and empty with my Lab top as my companion.   Today, I’ll do laundry, drink coffee and shower.

Days like this is something I that enjoy.   I can close my eyes and I am out west.   The air is a little more brinier and the sound of traffic is more prominent.   I picture myself with a porch,  Coffee and the Seattle Rain.   I am wrapped up in a blanket and Eleanor is just hanging out in the window waiting for me to come back in.   I have a single morning cigarette to start my day, but it’s just the one.

The sign of a second companion is just rustling in the dwelling.  A faceless person, but I know it’s someone that I could love one day.

Simple wishes and simple dreams from East to going to the West.